2022 Season Kickoff

Hello friends. Believe it or not, but the Eastbound & 4^th Down fantasy football league is entering its 10^th season as a 10-team league (13^th overall). To properly kick off this milestone season, I am returning to the blogosphere with a listicle of 10 things that I am excited about this season.

1. “Seven Hours of Commercial Free Football Starts Right Now” – One of the greatest lines of poetry in the modern English language. There are few things that encapsulate the essence of football season more than sitting on the couch, listening to Scott Hansen’s baritone voice on the TV, while furiously flipping between Twitter, GroupMe, and the ESPN Fantasy App on your phone.

2. The McGibblets Title Defense – It took 12 seasons, but Joel finally won the league last year, leaving Matt as the only remaining team without claim to a championship. In addition to the championship payout that I’m sure he has long since wasted on supplies for his koi pond, Joel also has the privilege of determining this year’s Toilet Bowl punishment. Here’s to hoping he chooses wisely lest he winds up reaping what he sows.   

3. Tripling Down – After selling the farm in pursuit of a superteam in 2020, I doubled down last year by selling off my first two picks yet again to Will for this coming season. Was it the worst trade in league history just to end up finishing 5-9? Hard to say. Would it all be worth it if I tripled down this year and finally paid it off with a championship? You bet your sweet ass it would be.

4. Mock Draft Season – Some of you may have already been here for weeks, but I look forward to firing up the first mock of the season soon. Moreso than mock drafting myself, what I really look forward to are the conversations with Frazer who is probably already deep in the process of game planning his contingencies for when Michael Carter comes off the board a round before he was expecting.

5. Haneys Gonna Haney – In a rather surprising development, Haney has become exceedingly moderate and rational in recent years. No Toilet Bowl flops, no autodraft-fueled championships, and generally hasn’t been a total douche. I would love to see Haney get back to his ginger roots this season, and bring back the kind of chaos that only he can create that really gets the group chat going.

6. Getting Baked – In addition to our fake football league, there is lots to be excited about in terms of real football as well. Among the many offseason moves, one that I am particularly excited about is the prospect of Baker Mayfield leading the Carolina Panthers. Having a quarterback with the pedigree of being a #1 overall pick, supremely cocky after wins and supremely mopey after losses, and largely unpredictable week-to-week is something the Panthers haven’t had since (checks notes) Week 16 last season.

7. Prince Trevor’s Ascension – While I wish Baker well, the NFL storyline I most look forward to is The Prince Who Was Promised – Young Trevor Lawrence – making ‘the leap’ now that he is out from under Urban Meyer’s incompetent thumb. I expect the only debate for Fantasy MVP this season will be between him and Travis Etienne in a PPR league. Better buy and hold as much JagCoin as you can before this crypto well runs dry.

8. Dad Strength – With the arrival of Baby Girl Woods this earlier month and impending arrival of Baby Boy Edwards later this fall, we have officially reached the point where the majority of this league has joined the fraternity of fatherhood. This leaves Jack, Haney, and Will as the only remaining holdouts (that we know of). I look forward to seeing which of them become desperate enough to play that card next in pursuit of the Dad Strength boost.

9. Resting On My Laurels – After much thought, prayer, and consideration, I have made the difficult decision that I will be relinquishing the Commissioner’s throne in advance of this upcoming season. It has been the privilege of a lifetime to serve as your benevolent dictator for the past 12 seasons. I am prouder than a grown man should be for having led this league from its humble beginnings through the tumultuous times such as league expansion in 2013, decimal scoring in 2015, FAAB waivers in 2017, and many more. My only regret in stepping down is I am doing so while kickers remain part of this league’s roster, but I will continue to fight the good fight nevertheless.

10. A New Regime – While stepping down from my role as Commish was a difficult one, it was made easier knowing the future of the league is still bright. So that a power vacuum is not formed allowing the GIF King’s Rebellion to rise once again, my final act as standing Commissioner will be to anoint Jack as my heir apparent. Jack has served loyally and dutifully as Co-Commish for many years now, and I am excited to see what sweeping changes he has in store for us to make the next ten years better than the ten before. May his reign be as long, as rewarding, and as barren of championships as my own.

The EB4D Award Show!

The First Annual Eastbound & 4^th Down Award Show:

The Good, The Bad, The Fighting Frazers

In the first installment of what could easily become one of the better aspects of this league, we’re going to have our own ESPY’s…sort of. More shenanigans (unless you consider Caitlyn Jenner, who is brave and stunning, winning the Arthur Ashe Bravery Award, which we will never be able to out-ridiculous), more laughs, and waaaaaaay more brutal ribbing, like the condoms Will will never use. Not because he won’t ever get laid, but because I really have a hard time believing he cares anything about “her pleasure.”

 

Let’s start with the players by position, with the perfect team.

QB: Aaron Rodgers – Mr. Rodger’s Neighborhood

Honorable Mentions: Drew Brees, Matt Ryan

RB1: David Johnson – Mr. Rodger’s Neighborhood

RB2: DeMarco Murray – Eat My Pocket Dogs

Honorable Mentions: Ezekiel Elliot, Melvin Gordon, Le’Veon Bell, LeSean McCoy

WR1: Antonio Brown – El Turn Down f or Watto

WR2: Mike Evans – Laissez Fair Catch

Honorable Mentions: Julio Jones, Odell Beckham, Jr., Larry Fitzgerald, Jordy Nelson

TE: Greg Olsen (somehow) – Dirty Mike an the Boyz

Honorable Mentions: Jordan Reed, Delanie Walker

Flex: Travis Kelce, Kyle Rudolph, Martellus Bennett

D/ST: Vikings – Free Agent (but against Dallas)

Honorable Mentions: Chiefs, Broncos

K: Justin “Big Dick” Tucker – Secret Squirrels

Honorable Mentions: Matt Bryant, Adam Vinatieri

MVP: David Johnson 284.4 Points, averaging 25.9 per week

Impact Award: (given to the player who both impacted his team and whose owners were about as happy to have as an actual impaction)

Winner: Devin Hester. This guy scored -2 points on the season. Incredible. On the bright side, he’s projected to get 0.3 points this next week, so I guess that’s literally a plus.

 

Joel, on the state of his team, despite their managing to squeak into the playoffs:

“”They are a bunch of asshats” end quotes”

*Drops mic*

Why Joel felt the need to put quotations on his own quote, I do not know.

 

Next up, the award for Diamond in the Rough, which is given to the player who broke through the proverbial glass ceiling of low expectations.

And the winner is……

Dak Prescott! I don’t think anyone expected the rookie signal caller to 1) see the field, 2) be an absolute beast, and 3) unseat Tony Romo as the starter for the Cowboys. That said, he’ll never have been with Jessica Simpson back in the day, and that’s something anyone could retire with a smile knowing.

Terrelle Pryor was considered for this, but there’s not a Browns player on Earth that belongs on the receiving end of any positive award.

 

Now we move to the award for Biggest Bust, given not to Jessica Simpson (though that joke actually works on a number of levels), but to the player who came in with the highest expectations, but decided instead that covering his sheets in the stink of fecal failure was a better idea.

This one is easy.

Todd Gurley, c’mon down! After literally running all over the competition last season, the sophomore hit his slump like 2016 hit the lifespan of celebrities. There are definitely some others who didn’t do as well insofar as points scored, but none of them were worthy of a first round pick, if injuries are excluded. Jamaal Charles was a solid pickup to back up the youthful workhorse turned stable mule, except Father Time gives no quarter.

 

Next up we’ve got the award for Money Best Spent, followed by Money Most Wasted. These are given to those who managed to navigate the waiver wire, though the two did so with very different results. First up, Money Best Spent. By the way, Jack lost to Joel on an early season bid for Tevin Coleman. $30 is indeed more than $2. Early contender for biggest waste of funds.

The award for Money Best Spent goes to a $2 bid by Frazer for Dak Prescott, beating out Joel by a full $1. The Money Worst Spent award goes to Bryan Tuttle for his $61 bid on Charcandrick West, again beating Joel, but this time by $49.

 

NOTE: Holy Christ. Going through the auction report was WAY more fascinating than I thought it’d be. There are stories here, far beyond a simple award. I’m going to put up the list I made while doing the research. There’s more to it than is written down, but have at it. There were some overpays after November 9, but at that point there’s not much reason to be saving money, so it’s hard to consider those as failures.

1. T. Williams $3             Tut (Dropped D. Jackson)
2. Vikings D $20            Joel     (beat Jon with a bid of $0)
3. T. Coleman $32    Joel (Dropped D. Parker)
4. J. Crowder $6   Frazer (dropped P. Dorsett)
5. M. Bennett $25 Joel
6. D. Sproles $2 Alex    (but dropped Spencer Ware for it)
7. S. Coates $0 Frazer (dropped Crowder)
8. Meredith $38 Jack
9. S. Ware $30 Joel     (dropped a D, beat Alex by $2, and Nick by $10)
10. T. Taylor $0 Nick    (dropped B. Bortles)
11. M. Mariota $4 Tut      (dropped Q. Enunwa)
12. T. Montgomery  $28 Frazer (dropped K. Britt)
13. C. Beasley $1 Joel     (dropped A. Foster)
14. J. Winston $0 Jack     (but dropped D. Carr)
15. T. Williams $0 Jack     (dropped T. Benjamin)
16. T. West $61 Tut
17. H. Henry $26 Joel     (dropped K)
18. H. Henry $25 Alex    (dropped S. Shepard, overbid next place by $17, dropped the next week)
19. D. Prescott $2 Frazer  (dropped R. Wilson, beat out Joel by $1)
20. R. Jennings $0 Nick    (dropped F. Whittaker)
21. J. Crowder $20 Jack     (dropped W. Snead)
22. R. Kelley $18 Alex

****note, three people put in bids for the Ravens on 11/9, all three for $10. Jack won by virtue of being first in line on the waiver wire.

 

Let’s continue on to Most Valuable Trade. To be valuable as a whole, a trade needs to benefit both sides. As I type this, I already regret the research I’m going to have to do.

The trade deemed Most Valuable is…

Odell Beckham, Jr. for Emmanuel Sanders and a conditional draft pick. Obviously OBJ is of higher value than Sanders, but when you factor in either a 1^st, 3^rd, or 4^th round pick next year, the scales shift back to the middle. There were others that could have been considered, but most of those were relatively mundane.

 

Now for the Most One Sided Trade. This award goes to a trade that only one party actually benefited from, for some reason or another, including the dreaded trAIDS virus.

T.Y. Hilton for A.J. Green actually would have been fairly even, given the eventual lack of a QB for one, and the lack of a hamstring for the other. However, that trade only set up the trade rape that came next. With that said, the winner of the Most One Sided Trade (AKA the trAIDS Trophy) goes to Mr. Howard in trading Jamison Crowder and Doug Martin for A.J. Green. $$$$ got a needed RB and a solid flex play, and Jack got essentially nothing, unless Green makes a comeback.

 

This one I just made up because the outcome is hilarious to me. The award for Best Veto is given to the player responsible for the best trade veto of the year. That only one existed is irrelevant.

Bryan Tuttle, congratulations on vetoing Jon’s bid for LeSean McCoy. It’s entirely possible that could have been the difference in the playoffs and the Toilet Bowl for our beloved Commish.

 

The award for Most Points Scored goes to Laissez Fair Catch with 1672.4, followed by Joel and Jon with 1521.4 and 1518.1, respectively.

The award for Best Luckiest Defense goes also to Laissez Fair Catch with 1283.2, followed by Matt and Will with 1426.7 and 1430.5.

 

Obviously the season rarely ends the way it begins, and streaks have a lot to do with that. Next we have the Phoenix Award and the Deuce Award. One awarded to the team which rose from the ashes of defeat to storm to the playoffs, the other given to the team which fell from on high into the Toilet Bowl.

Phoenix Award: The Secret Squirrels

Jack’s team rattled off a 6 win streak that jettisoned them into 3^rd place and a berth in the playoffs, averaging 128.9 points per week, and 116.3 once outlying 150+ games are accounted for, after averaging 115.6 through 6 weeks.

Deuce Award: Numero Un

Well, at least #1 in something. Jon started strong at 5-2, sitting at 2^nd place in the league going into week 8. It was all downhill from there for the despot, losing his next 5 straight, sinking his team directly into the muck of the Toilet Bowl. The Uns averaged an offensive 108.5 over the course of the streak, with no outliers, after averaging 139.3 in the weeks preceding.

 

As a bit of EB4D history, the best and worst records (by %) is 10-2, held by the 2014 Head Bustas and Andre Fortehands, and the 2016 Laissez Fair Catch. The worst record is held by the 2011 We Sum Head Bustas and the 2012 PASSWORDIS TACOs at 2-11. It’s worth noting that the next worst also belongs to Joel and the 2014 Fear Boners at 2-10, despite defeating the Great Balls in the Toilet bowl that year.

 

The Caitlyn Jenner Courage Award goes to Laissez Fair Catch! Not for being the best team, though they were, but for returning to play this year after their owner swore to every god known and unknown that he was done with fantasy football after coming in dead last 3/5 seasons, and never finishing better than 3^rd to last. This was true stunning bravery, and not Caitlyn Jenner, Laren Hill, nor Pat Tillman could reach such heights. As Nelson Mandela, FDR, and like 90 other assholes once said, “Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the assessment that you can’t quit because then those assholes will have won.” Or something like that.

 

Right then, on to the playoffs.

By the way, there are two teams at 6-6 in the middle bracket, and one in both the Playoffs and the Toilet Bowl.

 

Let’s start with the middle bracket, because it could not possibly matter less.

As is custom, the #5 and #6 teams fight for absolutely nothing. What is not custom, is that Frazer is not involved. It’s really weird. Nick’s Head Bustas take on Bryan an the Boyz in the fantasy equivalent of a war between Liechtenstein and Nauru over an island near Antarctica. No one cares. But, just looking at the teams and considering recent history (Nick and Tut actually came in 2^nd for the appropriate Streaks awards), odds are Nick busts dirty all over Bryan and his Boyz.

 

To the winner’s bracket. #2 Mr. Rodger’s Neighborhood will host the #3 Secret Squirrels. Lucky for Jack, Mr. Rodger also struck me as living in a friendly part of town. You know, without all the crime and whatnot. The sort of place where trees exist. Perfect for squirrels. Whether or not this particular venue is equally welcoming, we shall see. If A.J. Green manages to make a comeback, this gets huREAL tight. Last time these teams met was in Week 4, when the Squirrels were discount-double-checked out of town 106.1-80.7.

The #4 Eat My Pocket Dogs take on the #1 Laissez Fair Catch. Thank for the offer, but I’ll be keeping my hands off your pocket dogs. That’s filthy. Interestingly enough, the last meetup for these two teams brought the first loss of the season to the Fair Catch, in which The Pocket Dogs won by 0.2 points. Not that I’m still bitter. The likelihood of Joel moving to the next round is about the same as The League returning for another season.

 

There are very few sporting events in which the Losers’ Bracket is more exciting than the Winners’ Bracket. Our league is one such example, and I think we should be proud of that.

The inappropriately named #8 Numero Uns compete against the #9 El turn down fo r Wattos to determine which team will climb to safety, and which will take a dip in sewage. These two teams have met twice before, each with different outcomes. Thomas’s team’s inability to place defense has not changes, though. Hilton, Gronk, and Luck are all questionable to play for the Uns, leaving this one more than a little interesting, though if they go, the Uns field a strong team. We should look to see the Wattos fighting for their lives.

Last and also least, the #7 Guns of Hochuli will be shooting toward the #10 Fighting Frazers. As if this wasn’t intriguing enough, we’ve got ourselves a brothers matchup. While my previous question as to whether or not Will would accept his brother’s now vacated mantle of aggressive monotony seems to be a resounding “yes,” this game itself is a Code Beige (that one’s for you, Jon). Frazer’s team has actually scored surprisingly well over the last bit, and looks to continue that trend. It’s more than possible that Will selected his own fate at the beginning of the year.

 

Well gents, that’s it for the regular season. It’s been fun.

 

 

Interview With a Legend

For Part 1 of our regular season recap, I asked the Commish to join me for an exchange of pleasantries. What follows is (not) without edit. Enjoy.

AH: I want to get a little of your written comedy involved, this week. While I’ve been generally pleased with my entries, yours were (almost) always gold. Bring some of that back for this.

 JE: Before I entertain your cry for help, I’m gonna need you to call me Papi at least one more time.

 AH:  So, Jon Papi, man of many names: Commissioner, Commish, Andre Fortehands, Numero Un, Colluder, Papi (Editor’s Note: I don’t remember typing this…odd), Former Champion, All-Around Jackass. Welcome back to the blog. The plan was to Make Blog Great Again, so here’s hoping your written humor is more stable than your team. Starting off 3-1 is no poor showing. What were you thinking about your chances this year, going into week 5?

 JE: TBH, I’d already started browsing for which fine Scotch was worthy of filling my Champion’s decanter. Not only had I just pants’d Joel in Week 4, but then I turned back around and table-topped him by swiping Gronk and Golden Tate for two players he’d drop within a month. What an idiot that guy is. (EN: Irony is a bitch)

 AH: After losing handedly to the Hands Off Catch, you reeled off another two straight wins. 5-2, sitting at 2nd place on the leaderboards. Frankly, I considered you my top competition, given the god-awful showing by everyone else. Then you lost to Mr. Rodgers, the first time the consciousness objector ever involved himself in a good ol’ foreign ass-whooping. At that point, I thought it was no big deal, going so far as to predict both would be in the playoffs. Which of you is currently in the playoffs? If both, I was right. If neither, clearly I’m out of my league. If only one, is it the one your expected it to be?

JE: If you’re asking me if I read the blog in a week after I lost, that’s gonna be a no for me dawg. If you did predict that was going to make the playoffs, 1) you damn well should have and 2) please keep your stink off my team in future blogs please. They smell enough like rotten sewage as it is right now.

 AH: You’re sitting in a decent place in the Toilet Bowl. What do you attribute to landing there?

 JE: Gravity mostly. Any turd dropped from such a high is bound to come streaking back down to Earth. But also karma. I prepped for a week to pull off the sickest of burns when Jack continued to turn down my trade requests for Devonta Freeman. The execution was flawless as he will surely attest to, but little did I know that it would be me who ended up so severely toasted.

 AH: El Turn Down f or Watto is up next in the sights of the Uns. Similar to the actual DPRK, your team is starving for a win. Any chance of a nuclear option to win this round?

 JE: Oh you mean I’m playing the guy who traded FOR Jamaal Charles, has his 3^rd highest scoring player on a bye, and can’t properly operate a space bar when typing a three letter proposition? In that case, go ahead and chalk up my 6^th straight L. See ya soon, Frazer.

 AH: If you end up being the winner of the less-than-coveted Cody Poarch Trophy, what’s your hot, steaming take on the Toilet Bowl punishment this year? What would you have done differently as a punishment? Are you even remotely worried about losing, knowing full well that this is hands down the least-awful punishment ever?

 JE: I’m a fan. Not in the sense that I have any plans to be picking up used condoms and Four Loko cans off the side of 321, but in the sense that I think we’re headed down the right path of public humiliation. I’m actually fearful of what next year’s punishment might be should you come out on top. I’ve seen what happens when bullied younger brothers get too much power for their own good, and don’t wish a similar fate upon this league. (EN: I pictured Nick sitting on Jon’s head after a healthy helping of Taco Bell chalupas, and if that hasn’t happened, Nick, get on it.)

 AH: What would you say the shape of the blog is, now that you’ve turned over the reigns to one clearly more capable?

 JE: Do me a favor and insert whatever meme kids are using these days to say “go fuck yourself.” You beg me to help make this blog great again and then expect me to have to listen to this shit? What’s next, you’re gonna ask me how it feels to watch you make stiff, sweaty love on my old championship throne?

 AH: Before this next question, I’m going to need you to assume the position. I’ve provided a mat, as I’d hate for you to scrape your knees. Now then…what’s it like knowing that the once flaming ginger balls, the big time timmy jims, the 3 time last place finisher, now sits on a regular season throne that you once laid a claim to?

 JE: You are one cold sonofabitch. I’ll have you know, that last time I handed over money to a Haney for a job well done, your mother did dirty, dirty things to earn it. (EN: the brownies were delicious, if a bit crumbly, I’ll admit)

 AH: Thanks for joining, my friend. Here’s looking forward to our next group outing.

 JE: Same to you, sport! Hope you see you soon!

Home Stretch

Let’s start off by recognizing that two teams scored over 180 points two weeks ago. Hands Off My Pocket Dogs put up a combined 367.2 points. While impressive in itself, that number is greatly overshadowed by the real news. With a score of 185.8, a team owned and operated by Yours Truly (Editor’s Note: That’s Alex Haney, for reference) took the crown for the highest score over the League’s nearly six year existence. Joel, I didn’t spend the time to figure out where your score ranks. “Under mine” is the only rank I’m certain of. That reminds me, we really should have a documented League Record Book. I’m sure I’ll be bored and drunk enough on a Saturday to do that. Or maybe Sunday when I’m not watching any of these games. Or just a random Tuesday. Welcome to grad-life, Jon; as if the Clemson fallout wasn’t enough to drive you to drink to oblivion.

Alright, enough gloating about the single most magnificent team output in league history, which is really quite incredible. On to the Week 10 recap.

My team was brought back to Earth (sort of) by facing literally the only team to score more points this week. Thanks, Jack. OBJ did his best to reach the 60 points needed all on his own, but was let down by Tyler Eiffert (a surprise), and Jeremy Hill (not so much). I am accepting trade offers for RBs. Anyone need a certain Bears TE?

Joel has made a habit of being just inches short. So has Matt, technically, but that’s neither here nor there at the moment.

Anyone know how to crop?

Last week, Joel put up what would have been an absurdly high score, but ended up being only absurdly disappointing, as far as wins go. This week, he put together one of the finer stats I’ve ever had the luxury of being told about, because I’d definitely have missed it. Through two matchups against The Boyz, The Dogs have lost by a combined 0.8 points. Holy shit. HuffPo gave Trump better odds at the Presidency than that score line had of happening. To make things even better, both games were lost by 0.4 points. So, the Curse of King Tut’s Tomb is real. Tut’s team is dead, but doing a great job still killing others.

 

Man, the Guns are just not good. Removing the outlier of DMT, Will’s two highest scorers were his defense and his kicker, respectively. On the bright side, Will finally managed to figure out the importance of a kicker. However, making them one of your top three scorers is not typically a solid strategy. Bold, but not solid (Throwback!). I can’t help but think that Will knew he wouldn’t be putting forth any effort at all this year, and picked the league punishment with all the creativity of a blind bureaucrat. Keep up the good work. As an aside, DMT, beyond being a phenom ball snatcher, is a chemical released by a person during the process of dying. C’mon, Will, do the right thing: release DMT.

Speaking of Matt coming up short, he didn’t.

Seriously, it’s an issue.

Even a respectable score of 122 was not enough for The Frazers to fight their way into a second win. Something about those Hinmans, this go-round. I guess what they say about twins is true, that they act similarly. Frazer went from mediocre to worst, and Will went from top to mediocre. Really incredible stuff. Why anyone would play a defense that’s up against the Steelers is beyond me, but hey, what do I know? As though having a paltry team wasn’t bad enough, Alshon Jeffery was suspended for 4 games due to failing a PED test. Typically when someone does PEDs, they do well and make the suspension arguably worth it. In this case, the PEDs in question were apparently Flinstone vitamins.

There are really few things I enjoy more than seeing a Communist regime falter. Really just makes my whole day. In the spirit of true equality, The Uns are now sharing numbers perfectly between the Wins and Losses columns. Turn down for what, indeed. Actually, Jon’s score would be pretty good if this weren’t a PPR league. Nothing really stands out on this one, if I’m being honest, making it more difficult than I’d like it to be to drag the Uns through the mud. Incidentally a staple of the North Korean diet. Antonio Antonio’d, Gurley continued to disappoint, and the Bengals backfield basically stayed there.

Two weeks, ladies and gents. Two weeks. Those of us certain of where we’ll end up have the benefit of being able to start planning for the playoffs, top or bottom. You guys in the middle, not so fortunate. Play the odds, and try not to get stinky.

 

 

One more thing:

If the top score in league history had a face, it’d be this.

Suck it, bitches.

 

 

Bold Strategies

On Thursday night, Matty Ice placed his testicular fortitude upon Matty’s eyes. Past that, Mike Evans did grown-man things to the Falcons D, turning it into a passing battle. I am not mad at it. Barring a complete meltdown to the tune of every player giving the performance equivalent of spending $25 of Hunter Henry, I’m moving to 8-1. It was a misdirection, always a bold strategy.

This is also entirely rushed and last minute. So basically, the usual, but with less research.  A bold strategy.

Nick, set your lineup. No one wants to see the Pocket Dogs in the upper half of the standings. Be all you can be. Of course, if you’re going for boldness, not starting half a team is boldest of the bold. One might even suggest…too bold. Fortune favors the bold!

There’s nothing I can possibly add to this

After taking a well-timed week off, Julio got back to being Julio. I actually managed to watch most of the second half of this one, and TIL Julio is a beast. Tut is still only projected to win by a few, but looking at Frazers lineup, I wouldn’t hold my breath looking for Win Number 2. Hey Frazer, care to make a bold trade for one Andy Dalton? I hear he’s doing pretty well this year.

Hmmm?

Will is seemingly continuing his bold strategy of not starting a kicker until the last second. Really taking advantage of the gametime decision method to confuse the defense. Speaking of confused defenses, the Cardinals are on a bye week. You really just can’t count on anyone to do their job, these days. Two bold strategies in one matchup? Very bold.

Numero Un has take a sudden turn for the worse, with a win drought that’s quickly beginning to look like a North Korea work camp: stark, cold, and really just generally unpleasant. Will the DPRK nuke the competition, or be relegated to the underground dirt farms of the bottom half of the rankings? Leaning on two RBs recently cleared from injury on low scoring offenses is a bold strategy if ever I’ve seen one.

 

Let’s Do This Shit

Week 8 Roundup

 

For someone that watched a combined three snaps of football this weekend (two of which were college), I’m about to give one fantastic closure to Week 8. Right now, this relationship is very much one of Walmart being the only place you can get obscure wall prints that look like they might have a touch of class, but you know deep inside that your guests know very outwardly that they’re Grade A white trash. Doesn’t stop me from liking mine, though. So, until a Kirklands moves in, you gents are standing in line back to the kid’s graphic tees, wondering why there are literally 36 lanes, and 3 ½ are open. Let’s be honest, Glenda hasn’t used technology since the rotary telephone.

Can there be any doubt that this is shaping up to be an exciting year? I’m going to keep bitching about the lack of creativity and overall friendly sadism of the punishment this year (who’d have guessed the son of a pastor would be less of an asshole?), but it’s still an interesting season. There are four teams tied for fourth at four wins and four losses. That is straight up compelling. Only three teams exist under that line, meaning one of these teams is destined for the loser’s league. Joel’s meteoric rise to contention, Matt’s continued quiet winning ways, and Nick’s fulfillment of divine prophesy (called it) have made it entirely too clear: this is anyone’s league.

‘Cept Frazer. You might want to go ahead and start planning for the inevitable.

Let’s hop in the way way back machine and look at the unfolding of events from not nearly long enough ago to warrant such a powerful device.

 

Dirty Mike and the Fair Catch

Tyler Eifert, in his first game as a full participant after coming back from multiple injuries, put his hands all over the Boyz. The big TE broke off 25.2 points in Tut’s John Brown hindparts, leading all scorers for both teams. Speaking of leading scorers, if yours is your defense, there’s usually a problem. Three of Tut’s skill position players combined for a whopping 9.6 points. Combined. That means put together. Oh, dear… Had Mike Gillislee been in the lineup, well, nothing would have changed. But hey, at least being on the bench keeps him from getting injured, amirite?

Implications: The Boyz fell to 4-4, putting them squarely in the middle of the race, and cementing my own team as the lone owner of first place for another week. Thanks for the F shack.

 

I dare anyone here to get a red Prius

Fighting My Pocket Dog

First off, I couldn’t decide between this and “Eat My Fighting Frazer.” I think either would be a win, if for nothing more than the visual that is sure to come wither either. Frazer did indeed put up a fight this week, barely losing to the Dogs, who have managed to reel off 4 straight, during a win streak with some rather tight games. If there’s one thing a pocket dog loves, it’s a tight squeeze. Oh hey! Dez is back! The Frazers put up a generally solid stat line, really. Russell Wilson did as Russell Wilson does, and disappointed greatly, leading to the 7^th loss of the year for the elder Hinman. Amari Cooper, on the other hand, more than made up for what was a pedestrian-at-best effort from the rest of the Dogs. Janikowski somehow managed to miss 2/3 field goals, so now might be a good time to find religion, or meet the end times with a bottle of Jack and a full-finger solute.

Keg-Stand Regional Champ

Implications: Frazer is toast. Nothing else to see here. Joel, however, has clearly sold his soul. Little late, but I’d say a fair price.

 

El Turn Down for…. No. Head Wa…no. This is stupid. Nick vs Thomas.

While reading through some old posts in search of comedic inspiration (clearly I found it, right?…right???), I came across the bold predictions column from last year, as well as a particular phrase. I AM NOSTRADOMUS. Rather than predict 9/11, or the rise of Hitler, though, I predicted something truly useful. Nick used his considerable human size and his new-found skills to give the Wattos the ol’ pancake. Fortunately for Thomas, if you want to find the silver lining, his team didn’t exactly “go off.” So the sound beating was more expected than it was heart-breaking. Plus, you were warned. I didn’t know who Jordan Howard was until this weekend. Clearly neither did Minnesota.

Hang on, wrong purple team

Implications: The Head Bustas live! And Thomas, despite his way-too-high-for-this-to-be-any-semblance-of-fair scoring so far, falls to 2-6. I’d say he wouldn’t need to worry much about the loser’s bracket, as it’s still a solid team, but then some kicker would put the ball through the uprights 19 times, and return a fumble for a touchdown.

 

Mr. Rodger’s Un

Back on track. Alright, maaaaaybe I got the call wrong on this one. But Jon scored more than enough to win on the usual week, so I’m chalking it up to a W for me. Also a W for me is the fact that Jon did, in fact, lose! Rodgers did bring down the house in what was sure to be a shootout from the start. This was a well-played game all around, really. No one player did excessively well or poorly in relation to the rest of the lineup; the biggest mistake Matt made was leaving what would have been the numbers 2 and 3 scorers on the bench, allowing it to be a close game. Yep, no glaring, obvious, head-scratchingly dumb mistakes, here. Hang on, what’s that? Jon started a defense that got torched by Miami only a week before, and allowed 16 points from an anemic SF offense, against what may well be the best offense in football? Surely no one could be so foolish! 3 points, Jonny Boy. 3 points.

Actual photo of Jon’s D getting torched

Implications: This one actually doesn’t change much of anything. Chances are that both teams will end up in the winner’s bracket, and may even face each other. So hang onto those 3 points!

 

America’s Game of the Week: Hochuli’s Secret Squirrel

This game had the most riding on it going in. If Jack lost, he’d be likely irredeemably in the bottom of the charts. Had Will won, he’d be the current clear 4^th man in. Instead, we end up with both having relatively equal opportunity to break into the top, maintain the middle, or plunge into the Toilet Bowl. I have to admit that I did not expect Frank Gore to continue to be relevant, much less a valuable member of a fantasy squad. Aside from Blair Walsh’s continued neglect at the hands of the Vikings, there didn’t seem to be a whole lot going on here in the way of individual performances that altered the game. Brady kicked ass for nothing, and the Eagles failing to slow down Dallas was equally impactful on the outcome. It is worth noting, though, that E. Sanders was the lowest scoring skill player for the Squirrels.

TFW literally any kick could lose you the game

Implications: Here is where this matchup actually mattered. Due to the outcome we got, your guess is as good as mine as to how the final rankings are going to shape up.

 

Alright, there you have it, the Week 8 Roundup. I’m going to attempt to have this out on Tuesday each week, with a sort of “theme round” on Saturdays, regarding the games of that Sunday.

We out.

 

Week 14: EB4D Media Day

Much like our NFL counterpart, we couldn’t kickoff our league championship round without the opportunity to have a little Q&A with our participants. In the first annual installment of the EB4D Media Day, we try to cut to the core and ask the most pressing questions to inspire the hottest of takes.

Secret Squirrels

On a scale from largely to entirely, to what degree do you owe your recent run of post-season success to lopsided, late-season trades with Haney?

First of all, let me respond to such a demeaning question with some concrete statistics about this season. Since (and including) Week 10, the first week after this supposedly “lopsided” trade with James Alexander Haney III took place, the points are as follows:

Devonta Freeman (31.8 points) vs. Chris Ivory (59.5 points) – Advantage Haney

Michael Crabtree (53.8 points) vs. Randall Cobb (63.6 points) – Advantage Haney

I’ll just leave those statistics here and move on to my next point.

The trade caused league-wide cries of collusion and foul play, and I was again ridiculed for taking advantage of those with fantasy football learning disabilities.  As it turns out, I immediately contracted a brutal case of trAIDS, to the joy of most in the league I’m sure. I lost Lynch, Edelman, Graham, Rawls, and Romo (who admittedly I did not use) to injury following this trade, and the hopes of a return to the championship round grew slimmer with each ruptured patellar tendon.

Nonetheless, the Squirrels fought on, and even with these obvious shortcomings and absolutely no ROI on my trade, I defeated the “mighty” Cannons 3 times in the final 5 weeks. I cannot take all of the credit, however. The absolute and complete shitting of the bed by the Commish’s team on 3 separate occasions certainly helped my cause. I certainly think that the rest of the league enjoyed watching the Commish fall, and I may even be cured of my horrendous disease as a result. Commish, looks like you need to review your own trade with Haney and get tested for trAIDS yourself during the long offseason….

And in case you all forgot….

Oh yeah, and one more reason for my late-season success…..IT Beckham, Jr. By the way, Cindy’s still crazy.

Aside from The Old Hinman Family Whooping Belt, what is it going to take to beat Will?

I won’t try to sugarcoat it, the former Guns of Hochuli turned 2012 EB4D Champions turned Guns of Hochuli again (looks like Jon won that debate) are a solid team. As the “Wattos” just found out, 300 points for the Guns over a 2 week span is certainly within the realm of possibility. In order to stun the league and take down the regular season’s #1 scoring unit, I basically need Josh Norman to not act like Josh Norman next week. Norman will be squaring off with ITBJ, and if he could just roll an ankle in pre-game warmups or suddenly catch the flu……that would be just fine and dandy by me.

I certainly hope that my late season pickup of one Michael Floyd continues to pay dividends (thanks for dropping him, Commish). With Carson Palmer tossing the rock for the Guns, a big game by Floyd would certainly help to offset Palmer’s almost guaranteed 20+ points against a lousy Eagles D. Additionally, a big game by Floyd means that Fitzy may not have as big of a game as expected. We all know that betting on a injury-plagued former Notre Dame standout is a solid strategy and clear path to victory.

Also, another late-season trade needs to kick it into high gear. Yes, I’m talking about you, Adrian Peterson. Nick, give AP a little pep talk for me and tell him that his two-week stretch facing SEA and ARI are over. It’s time to pound the Bears D just like Haney pounds his right hand.

Onward to victory and the beginning of a Secret Squirrel dynasty.

If crowned champion, in what debaucherous ways do you anticipate spending your winnings?

If the Secret Squirrels come away victorious for the 2nd time in 3 years, I will be sure to remind everyone regularly that the Secret Squirrels came away victorious for the 2nd time in 3 years. But to be perfectly honest, I may use the winnings to market and advertise the music video produced by either Nick or Tuttle. Never in my life will I pull more strongly for a tie, because the only thing that will beat a music video by either of those fine gentlemen is a music video by both of those fine gentlemen.

If such a financial undertaking is deemed a worthless investment, I will spend my money wisely by purchasing small gifts throughout the year for the Commish in order to secure unbalanced and incredibly favorable treatment throughout next fantasy season. For example, I would expect a detailed report providing instructions on how to view bids placed by other league members prior to the processing of waivers. And that’s just the tip of the iceberg.

On that note, the thought of this fantasy season coming to a close in 2 short weeks is truly heartbreaking. However, knowing that I can spend another year with OBJ on my roster is what will get me through the off-season, win or loss. I look forward to watching OBJ crush everyone’s fantasy hopes and dreams for a 3rd straight year with his ridiculous catch-making.

Cheers to another fun year, gents. I hope to see most of you back in NC over the holidays. Let’s hope Santa brings you everything that you want, except a championship, because that’s already been wrapped and placed under my tree.

Head Bustas

Can you pinpoint for us exactly where everything went wrong following a 4-0 start to your title defense?

It all went wrong after I did the podcast with you. I’m not sure what to call the curse but it is real.

Was the music video picked strategically knowing that it would likely be your hotline that was blinging?

Yeah it was the only dance video I felt comfortable bringing to a group of nerdy white guys.

Are you comforted more in knowing that Bryan’s QB is Jameis Winston or that his RB duo is Charcandrick West and Shaun Draugn?

My running backs are no better. Dez Bryant is garbage. My fantasy reputation is in shambles. This information gives me no solace.

[Thanks for your time, Coach Belichick]

Dirty Mike An The Boyz

Your Boyz have been famously reliant on stockpiling tight ends the past couple seasons, yet you’ve failed to make the playoffs even once since winning the championship in our inaugural season. Any talk of finding a new strategy for next season?

Absolutely not. If anything, I’ve learned that next year I need even more tight ends. I mean look at Matt’s team. If not for Gregggggggg, he’d probably be in my place, shaking his ass for dollar bills in this stupid music video. If you don’t think I’m drafting Gronk and Greggggggg back-to-back and still using Barnidge as my keeper, you probably aren’t very good at fantasy.

How does Emily feel that her fiancée may be forced to publically acknowledge that he is still receiving booty calls from a past lover?

She knew it came with the territory when she got involved with such a ruggedly handsome man. As for me, I have no shame. I think it’s cute that you think phone stuff is the kinkiest stuff we’re into.

Hindsight now 20/20, do you regret more that you didn’t bid more for DeAngelo Williams or that you failed to handcuff Le’Veon Bell in the first place?

Fuck you.

Guns of Hochuli

It’s well documented that you and the Tennessee Titans infamously came up one yard short on the final play in the biggest game of the year. How do you feel to be matched up in this year’s Finals with someone who actually succeeded on the grandest stage and has a championship to their name?

I’m thankful.

After ACC officials astutely flagged UNC on their onside kick attempt for committing both illegal formation and targeting penalties, tell us your thoughts on the bowl invitation committees sparing the Tar Heels from being embarrassed again on national TV at the hands of the mighty Houston Cougars.

I’m thankful.

For someone who has never known the warm embrace of a woman’s love, how would you explain your emotions as you stand just two weeks away from popping your cherry with someone who’s been around the block as many times as Kathryn has?

I’m thankful.

Week 11: The Frazer Zone

There’s no denying Week 11 was a brutal week. More top 10 runningbacks were carried off the field, nearly 200 fewer total points were scored than average, and Mark Sanchez was prominently involved. That all said, Week 11 also brought us some much needed clarity to the 2015 playoff race. While some teams named the Cannons may have limped across the finish line, others continue to surge their way to destiny, such as the Bustas who have now lost 8 straight and are looking untouchable in their quest to go from First to Worst.

And all of that is well and good, but this week we should focus not on the teams who have clinched, but instead the teams whose lives are still on the line. After this week, two of the teams listed below with be playoff bound, one floundering in the Toilet Bowl, and two in the purgatory that lies halfway in between. For these unlucky two, they must learn to deal with the gloomy reality that their team will not again be relevant until next September, forced float between hell and Earth in a place better known as… The Frazer Zone.

Secret Squirrels

Makes the playoffs: with a win over Quill’s Penmen. While it’s worth mentioning that Jack must not only win, but also defend his points lead over Thomas and Frazer, I have to assume that anyone beating Quill scored 195 points in order to do so. As if that wasn’t enough pressure, Jack is also showing early symptoms of what might be the most severe cases of trAIDS of all time. I mean, no person of a sound and healthy mind would actually try to predict when Eric Ebron is going to have a good game, would they?

Los Turndownadors

Makes the playoffs: if Will continues to not lose in the month of November and Nick continues to not win in months other than September. A quick look at Thomas’ receiving corps would lead you to believe a least the latter half of this scenario is a very real possibility. That said, his team will be quarterbacked by Phillip Rivers, who took such a smelly shit on his team last Sunday that even Derek Carr had to hold his nose.

Fighting Frazers

[Editor’s Note: Not only is Frazer in the Frazer Zone, but he’s squarely in the middle of the list. You can’t make this stuff up.]

Makes the playoffs: with some combination of a win over Tuttle and loses by Jack, Thomas, and/or Haney. As I write this, I’ve spent the last 20 minutes combing through box scores, standings, and more looking for a fun factoid regarding the Frazers chances this weekend. In an outcome surprising to absolutely no one, nothing interesting stood out. If the Frazers were a Republican candidate, they would be John Kasich.

[Readers not named Jack and Haney do a quick search for John Kasich. Still don’t know who he is. Realize analogy.]

Suck It, Trebek

Makes the playoffs: when hell freezes over.

Avoids the Toilet Bowl: so long as he avoids losing to Matt by 42.9 points. I’m specific about the .9 points here because nothing would delight me more than to see the look on Haney’s face as Matt approaches this mark. In all honesty, if this scenario is even remotely in play, I’ll declare mandatory participation in a Google Hangout to watch Travis Benjamin go for the win in what is otherwise a truly terrible Monday Night game.

Tryna Get Lucky

Makes the playoffs: Matt beats Haney, Will beat Jack, Nick beats Thomas, and Tut beats Frazer. Ah who are we kidding, if Bryan can’t even beat me, there’s no way he’s winning another game this season.

Avoids the Toilet Bowl: with the aforementioned monumental win over Haney. Were he playing anyone else, I’d be quick to point out that Matt has been the lowest or 2^nd lowest scorer in the league for 3 of the past 4 weeks, and likely has no chance. But given that it is the Toilet Bowl, I’d sooner turn over the link to all of your waiver bids than declare Haney out of it.

Week 10: Bye Week

Unlike the Fighting Frazers, the EB4D Blog Staff is gearing up for a playoff run, so this week’s Bye Week couldn’t have come at a better time. What’s that? You thought the Bye Week was 3 weeks ago? Oh no, that was simply part of our league’s effort to expand its international presence by broadcasting live from Anguilla. To be honest, probably not the worst NFL media to be broadcast from a British territory this year. But worry not, the blog will be back in full force in Week 11. And really, you should consider this week a win. I could have sent you another podcast.

Week 9: The Woods Report

Attention League Owners: It would appear that in the wake of last week’s spirited discussion regarding the waiver auction system, some of you still seem slightly less than 100% confident that the your commissioner has anything less than the league’s best interest in mind. As a result, I have done as my idol and mentor Roger Stokoe Goodel [Editor’s Note: his actual, stupid middle name], would have done: employed a completely toothless underling to publish an investigative report, that actually uncovers nothing potentially damaging to my public image. That’s why this week I bring you… The Woods Report.

In this week’s guest blog our commish has requested for me to “cover all the stupid things I’ve said in the history of the blog.” However if I were to cover every stupid thing Jon has said in his two years of writings [Editor’s Note: three, so thanks for reading my emails…] this post would be longer than Jameis Winston’s rap sheet. So sadly I’ll just be focusing on this year but don’t worry there’s some great stuff!

EB4D Mock Draft 2.0:

This being the first actual blog post of the year Jon decided to give us some “hot takes” for this season. He predicted that Johnny Football would be a better fantasy player this year than Marcus Mariota who is fresh off a 4 TD, 33 point game. No need to make fun of this as it speaks for itself. Next he predicted that OBJ wouldn’t be a top ten wide receiver this year so 0 for 2 there Jon. And finally his last prediction was that Haney would not finish last again this year. This was the boldest of predictions as he had no clue that Haney would strike gold on waivers with Davonta Freeman. So while the season is far from over that one’s looking kinda viable, I guess I’ll give you that.

[Editor’s Note: Joel wrote this on Sunday night, and oh the irony of complimenting Haney’s fantasy acumin in a post aimed to make me look like the jackass.]

Proposed Rule Changes:

Ok I’ll start by saying Jon said nothing stupid here. The stupid thing he did was assume that this league could deal with any sort of change. 1/2 point PPR was fine, even the keeper rules were understood but then he went as far as to want to change the way waivers work? What was he thinking? I’m pretty sure Thomas thinks this is The Price Is Right now as he keeps bidding a dollar and wonders why he doesn’t win. I WAS THE CLOSEST WITHOUT GOING OVER.

Preseason Week 2: EB4Dmd

The karma in this post is amazing. He wants to write a post about blowing out ACL’s then immediately drafts Mr. Aysee L.Tare himself, Jamal Charles. You should have known someone who was in the special classes for the majority of their childhood would have a problem staying upright and healthy. Ok so Jamal Charles goes down then he immediately trades for Eddie Lacy who he mentioned in the very same blog about concussion problems. Don’t worry guys more to come on this trade later as this has been the shining moment in the league for me thus far.

Week 3: Blogcast

Ah yes this is where Jon really does some of his best work of the year. Most of you didn’t listen to the entire thing so I’ll sum it up for you pretty quick. It starts with a lot of uh’s, continues to the middle where there’s even more uh’s, and finally he ends with one final uh. Best commentary work since Monty gave us this along side Bob Euecker.

Week 5: The Definitive Head Busta Interview

Guys he did another Blogcast, stupid decision #1. He did spice things up with the Nick interview but he never asked the tough questions like what’s it like to have your own Wikipedia page. Sadly 2014 EB4D champion is not listed there. Someone should probably edit that right away. [Editor’s Note: Had I known this existed before today, it would have definitely been discussed. I mean, the amount accuracy within even the Early Years section is outstanding.]

My favorite “stupid” moment from the season comes from this week. Coming off the trade for Eddie Lacy, Jon was riding high. He thought he totally “fleeced” me giving up Eric “Touchdown” Decker and Duke Johnson. Sorry Jon but Karma is a bitch and so is Eddie Lacy. There’s a bit of irony in this week from Nick as well because looking as the standings he could totally go first to worst. If the music video is going to be as bad as he described it, how awesome would it be if he was the receiver of his own punishment. Just a thought there. Also for those of you that didn’t see the video suggested by Tuttle here it is with a disclaimer that you might not wanna watch it in public.

Week 8: Uncovering Bidghazi

After the Wednesday debacle with the bidding, a good commissioner would stand up and tell his league that he would mount a full investigation into the matter. Instead Jon started by basically telling us all to suck a bag of dicks and that he will do whatever he wants to do. Well jokes on you Jon because we aren’t gonna take it anymore. We pay your bills and pay for your fancy honeymoon so you will listen to your constituents. If you don’t we might just have to elect a new commish, my money’s on this guy.

[Editor’s Note: I hope he wins. He and this league deserve each other.]

Afterthought

While Jon has made plenty of stupid decision on our blog, I think we can all agree he did a good job deciding on his wife. Congrats to you both, and sorry I couldn’t be there to Turn Down For Watt with you guys but I’m sure it was a very classy affair.

Peace out (drops mic)