There’s no denying Week 11 was a brutal week. More top 10 runningbacks were carried off the field, nearly 200 fewer total points were scored than average, and Mark Sanchez was prominently involved. That all said, Week 11 also brought us some much needed clarity to the 2015 playoff race. While some teams named the Cannons may have limped across the finish line, others continue to surge their way to destiny, such as the Bustas who have now lost 8 straight and are looking untouchable in their quest to go from First to Worst.
And all of that is well and good, but this week we should focus not on the teams who have clinched, but instead the teams whose lives are still on the line. After this week, two of the teams listed below with be playoff bound, one floundering in the Toilet Bowl, and two in the purgatory that lies halfway in between. For these unlucky two, they must learn to deal with the gloomy reality that their team will not again be relevant until next September, forced float between hell and Earth in a place better known as… The Frazer Zone.
Makes the playoffs: with a win over Quill’s Penmen. While it’s worth mentioning that Jack must not only win, but also defend his points lead over Thomas and Frazer, I have to assume that anyone beating Quill scored 195 points in order to do so. As if that wasn’t enough pressure, Jack is also showing early symptoms of what might be the most severe cases of trAIDS of all time. I mean, no person of a sound and healthy mind would actually try to predict when Eric Ebron is going to have a good game, would they?
Makes the playoffs: if Will continues to not lose in the month of November and Nick continues to not win in months other than September. A quick look at Thomas’ receiving corps would lead you to believe a least the latter half of this scenario is a very real possibility. That said, his team will be quarterbacked by Phillip Rivers, who took such a smelly shit on his team last Sunday that even Derek Carr had to hold his nose.
[Editor’s Note: Not only is Frazer in the Frazer Zone, but he’s squarely in the middle of the list. You can’t make this stuff up.]
Makes the playoffs: with some combination of a win over Tuttle and loses by Jack, Thomas, and/or Haney. As I write this, I’ve spent the last 20 minutes combing through box scores, standings, and more looking for a fun factoid regarding the Frazers chances this weekend. In an outcome surprising to absolutely no one, nothing interesting stood out. If the Frazers were a Republican candidate, they would be John Kasich.
[Readers not named Jack and Haney do a quick search for John Kasich. Still don’t know who he is. Realize analogy.]
Suck It, Trebek
Makes the playoffs: when hell freezes over.
Avoids the Toilet Bowl: so long as he avoids losing to Matt by 42.9 points. I’m specific about the .9 points here because nothing would delight me more than to see the look on Haney’s face as Matt approaches this mark. In all honesty, if this scenario is even remotely in play, I’ll declare mandatory participation in a Google Hangout to watch Travis Benjamin go for the win in what is otherwise a truly terrible Monday Night game.
Tryna Get Lucky
Makes the playoffs: Matt beats Haney, Will beat Jack, Nick beats Thomas, and Tut beats Frazer. Ah who are we kidding, if Bryan can’t even beat me, there’s no way he’s winning another game this season.
Avoids the Toilet Bowl: with the aforementioned monumental win over Haney. Were he playing anyone else, I’d be quick to point out that Matt has been the lowest or 2nd lowest scorer in the league for 3 of the past 4 weeks, and likely has no chance. But given that it is the Toilet Bowl, I’d sooner turn over the link to all of your waiver bids than declare Haney out of it.