Unlike the Fighting Frazers, the EB4D Blog Staff is gearing up for a playoff run, so this week’s Bye Week couldn’t have come at a better time. What’s that? You thought the Bye Week was 3 weeks ago? Oh no, that was simply part of our league’s effort to expand its international presence by broadcasting live from Anguilla. To be honest, probably not the worst NFL media to be broadcast from a British territory this year. But worry not, the blog will be back in full force in Week 11. And really, you should consider this week a win. I could have sent you another podcast.
Attention League Owners: It would appear that in the wake of last week’s spirited discussion regarding the waiver auction system, some of you still seem slightly less than 100% confident that the your commissioner has anything less than the league’s best interest in mind. As a result, I have done as my idol and mentor Roger Stokoe Goodel [Editor’s Note: his actual, stupid middle name], would have done: employed a completely toothless underling to publish an investigative report, that actually uncovers nothing potentially damaging to my public image. That’s why this week I bring you… The Woods Report.
In this week’s guest blog our commish has requested for me to “cover all the stupid things I’ve said in the history of the blog.” However if I were to cover every stupid thing Jon has said in his two years of writings [Editor’s Note: three, so thanks for reading my emails…] this post would be longer than Jameis Winston’s rap sheet. So sadly I’ll just be focusing on this year but don’t worry there’s some great stuff!
EB4D Mock Draft 2.0:
This being the first actual blog post of the year Jon decided to give us some “hot takes” for this season. He predicted that Johnny Football would be a better fantasy player this year than Marcus Mariota who is fresh off a 4 TD, 33 point game. No need to make fun of this as it speaks for itself. Next he predicted that OBJ wouldn’t be a top ten wide receiver this year so 0 for 2 there Jon. And finally his last prediction was that Haney would not finish last again this year. This was the boldest of predictions as he had no clue that Haney would strike gold on waivers with Davonta Freeman. So while the season is far from over that one’s looking kinda viable, I guess I’ll give you that.
[Editor’s Note: Joel wrote this on Sunday night, and oh the irony of complimenting Haney’s fantasy acumin in a post aimed to make me look like the jackass.]
Proposed Rule Changes:
Ok I’ll start by saying Jon said nothing stupid here. The stupid thing he did was assume that this league could deal with any sort of change. 1/2 point PPR was fine, even the keeper rules were understood but then he went as far as to want to change the way waivers work? What was he thinking? I’m pretty sure Thomas thinks this is The Price Is Right now as he keeps bidding a dollar and wonders why he doesn’t win. I WAS THE CLOSEST WITHOUT GOING OVER.
Preseason Week 2: EB4Dmd
The karma in this post is amazing. He wants to write a post about blowing out ACL’s then immediately drafts Mr. Aysee L.Tare himself, Jamal Charles. You should have known someone who was in the special classes for the majority of their childhood would have a problem staying upright and healthy. Ok so Jamal Charles goes down then he immediately trades for Eddie Lacy who he mentioned in the very same blog about concussion problems. Don’t worry guys more to come on this trade later as this has been the shining moment in the league for me thus far.
Week 3: Blogcast
Ah yes this is where Jon really does some of his best work of the year. Most of you didn’t listen to the entire thing so I’ll sum it up for you pretty quick. It starts with a lot of uh’s, continues to the middle where there’s even more uh’s, and finally he ends with one final uh. Best commentary work since Monty gave us this along side Bob Euecker.
Week 5: The Definitive Head Busta Interview
Guys he did another Blogcast, stupid decision #1. He did spice things up with the Nick interview but he never asked the tough questions like what’s it like to have your own Wikipedia page. Sadly 2014 EB4D champion is not listed there. Someone should probably edit that right away. [Editor’s Note: Had I known this existed before today, it would have definitely been discussed. I mean, the amount accuracy within even the Early Years section is outstanding.]
My favorite “stupid” moment from the season comes from this week. Coming off the trade for Eddie Lacy, Jon was riding high. He thought he totally “fleeced” me giving up Eric “Touchdown” Decker and Duke Johnson. Sorry Jon but Karma is a bitch and so is Eddie Lacy. There’s a bit of irony in this week from Nick as well because looking as the standings he could totally go first to worst. If the music video is going to be as bad as he described it, how awesome would it be if he was the receiver of his own punishment. Just a thought there. Also for those of you that didn’t see the video suggested by Tuttle here it is with a disclaimer that you might not wanna watch it in public.
Week 8: Uncovering Bidghazi
After the Wednesday debacle with the bidding, a good commissioner would stand up and tell his league that he would mount a full investigation into the matter. Instead Jon started by basically telling us all to suck a bag of dicks and that he will do whatever he wants to do. Well jokes on you Jon because we aren’t gonna take it anymore. We pay your bills and pay for your fancy honeymoon so you will listen to your constituents. If you don’t we might just have to elect a new commish, my money’s on
[Editor’s Note: I hope he wins. He and this league deserve each other.]
While Jon has made plenty of stupid decision on our blog, I think we can all agree he did a good job deciding on his wife. Congrats to you both, and sorry I couldn’t be there to Turn Down For Watt with you guys but I’m sure it was a very classy affair.
Peace out (drops mic)
In wake of today’s controversy, I thought I’d open this edition of the blog with a contrite and empathetic statement, apologizing for any trouble I’d stirred up by placing such an outrageous bid for the services of DeAngelo Williams. I even went as far as to offer a trade of Williams to Tuttle in exchange only for the $50 he originally bid. Unfortunately, that statement was mysteriously deleted from my email account with no chance of recovery.
And because this week’s blog was pushed back a day by complete and utter coincidence, let us examine the steals, deals, and down-right stupid decisions we’ve seen with FAAB through the first nine weeks of the season thus far.
It took exactly 0 weeks for the biggest bargain of the year to be had. At half the cost of what Frazer was willing to pay for Andy ‘Red Rocket’ Dalton to lead his team to mediocrity, Jack was able secure 16 weeks of the #1 quarterback in fantasy. If there’s anything that needs investigating this year, it’s finding out what kind of crack we were all smoking that made everyone but Jack think Tommy Terrific wasn’t worth even a one-single-dollar bid.
While I would have loved if $2 Sam Bradford turned out to be worthy of mention in this post, it really took us until Week 3 to see our next waiver claim of any real consequence. With Le’Veon Bell back from suspension, and fresh off their bi-annual beatdown of the News Team/Fortehands/Cannons, Tuttle’s Boyz were approaching juggernaut status when they added PPR machine Dion Lewis for just over 10% of their FAAB. And in a classic tale of the rich getting richer, the Boyz were able to bring Lewis aboard by dropping the perfectly expendable backup Steelers runningback. Some guys just have all the luck.
In one of the grossest overpays of the year, Will actually placed a claim for Mike Vick to occupy a spot on his roster. His price: $0. Like I said, a gross overpay.
For someone who has pitched such a fit about these waiver auctions, Matt may be one of the few among us who actually knows how to use it. Consider this: over $110 waiver dollars have been spent on the tight end poo-poo platter of Benjamin Watson, Ledarius Green, and Eric Ebron (who alone has been claimed for $20+ not once but twice, despite the fact that his bio clearly states that is employed by the Detroit Lions). Meanwhile, Matt spent a grand total of $12 to gain the rights to the 6th Grownkowski brother separated at birth, Gary Barnidge. Like I said, some guys just have all the Luck.
Team A’s best player suffers a catastrophic, season-ending injury. Truly devastating. Making matters worse, Team A neglected to handcuff said player with the clear-cut and fully competent backup. A real bone-headed move. Fortunately, Team A had ample FAAB remaining, and placed a bid on aforementioned handcuff that should have been more than sufficient. Problem solved! Yet come Wednesday morning, it is revealed Team B has weaseled their way to the top with an odd-totaled wager, narrowly outbidding Team A for the soon-to-be top 20 player. “Shenanigans, Outrage, Mutiny” the league must have cried!
Oh, but that’s right. Nobody had a gahdam thing to say when Thomas emerged as the high-bidder for Charcandrick West. Moving on.
Haney swaps out kicker Steven Hauschka for Mike Nugent, spending zero dollars in the process. A savvy move from the most fiscally responsible, but definitely not Jewish guy I know. We should all aspire to manage our rosters as soundly as Haney has this year.
It seemed like only yesterday we all gathered around the Google Hangout, and laughed to ourselves as Matt took Alfred Morris in the 3rd round. Yet here we are with Week 6 in the books, now halfway through the 2016 regular season. While it would be easy to rely on the rankings as indicator of who has done well and who has shat all over themselves this season, I decided to take it a step further, and do a little deep-dive into each team’s true performance as teased in last week’s blogcast.
For those interested, I’ll explain how we came to this evaluation and why it is a reasonable indicator of future success. For those of you who think I’m biased and wouldn’t buy water from me if you were stuck in the desert, feel free to keep scrolling until the cursor inserts itself directly up your ass.
Methodology: Each week, each team’s score is ranked from highest to lowest and given a corresponding value of 9 to 0. A value of 9 – the highest possible value – means you were the top scorer in the league, and would have won all 9 possible matchups you could have had that week. A value of 0 means your name is more than likely Bryan Tuttle, and you outscored zero other teams that week. After summing a team’s value from each of the 6 weeks, the total value is taken as a percentage of 56 (9 games per week x 6 weeks). The final win expectancy percentage can be interpreted as “Based on its weekly scores, Team A would have been expected to win X% of its matchups so far this year.” And now that none of you are following, on to the ranks.
1. Jon (78% win expectancy) – In terms of average points per week, Joel is closer to the being the playoff-bound 4th highest scorer than the next highest team is from being 1st. And Joel’s team sucks. Your move, gentleman. [Ignores all karma implications of turning All-Pro Jamaal Charles into Fat Eddie Lacy within 2 weeks)\
2. Matt (65%) – Matt’s surge of late has been fueled by one strong-armed AFC South quarterback whose 19.7 points per week is good for 6th best in all of football thus far this season. Surely that’s the way Matt envisioned it when he drafted Andrew Luck in the 1st round, but the fact that Blake Bortles has been the one carrying his team is about as unexpected as if I we’re to tell you Frazer would be the drunkest girl at the party at this weekend’s wedding.
3. Jack (63%) – Coming into this week, if the Secret Squirrels had been any easier to score on, we might have had to start calling them the Secret Shea Daniels (zing). When it comes to putting out points, however, over 35% of Jack’s weekly scoring output is coming from the Brady-Edelman connection alone, highest of any QB/WR combo in the EB4D. That some quality hands-on-balls action.
4. Haney (56%) – If you thought Matt coming in at #2 in these ranks was surprising, wait until I tell you that Haney’s strong ranking is driven by the fact he’s made the league’s best waiver pickup to date in Devonta Freeman. Then again, he’s just 2-4 with 4 of his 6 highest scoring players on bye this week, so hell might not have frozen over entirely just yet.
5. Thomas (56%) – While The Turndownadors are far from out of contention this year, the emergence of Todd Gurley really has me considering changing the keeper rules to prevent Thomas from becoming a complete juggernaut next season. Luckily for the rest of us, he won’t also be able to keep Martavis Bryant aka Randy Moss Reincarnated With Worse Tattoos, as well.
6. Will (54%) – No analysis provided here until the team name changes. Seriously, its the worst.
7. Frazer (46%) – The Frazers may have built their team around Matt Ryan throwing the ball anywhere within 10 feet of Julio Jones, but the fact that they continue to keep Andy Dalton aka The Red Rifle aka “The #1 QB In Fantasy This Season” on their bench is negligence in the least, and bordering on flagrant gingerism. And if there’s one thing this league won’t stand for, it’s discriminating against someone due to the pasty, freckled hue of their skin.
8. Joel (35%) – While there is plenty good to be said for consistency, the fact that The Brother-in-Laws have the least scoring variability in the league does not bode well when you’re averaging the 3rd fewest points in the league. If The In-Laws have anything going for them, it’s that they’ve now shed the literal weight of having Eddie Lacy on their roster in favor of the much more svelte Doug Martin.
9. Nick (24%) – What’s that you say? How can the defending champ currently in possession of an elusive playoff spot be ranked so low? Before you once again question the authenticity of my fool-proof rankings, consider this: Nick’s team has yet to finish higher than 7th in any given week this season. So while you may be quick to point the finger at Commish for fraud and collusion, let’s instead figure out how Nick’s managed to play one of at most three teams worse than him in 4 of the 6 weeks thus far this season. Harvard degree being put to very nefarious use, if you ask me.
10. Tut (24%) – Of all the teams to own both Leveon and Gronk in ESPN leagues this season, I’m willing to bet very few are as bad as The Boyz. To quantify exactly how inept Dem Boyz have been, on only 5 occasions this year has a team failed to score 90 points. Tuttle is the proud owner of 60% of such instances. That said, there’s only so much that can be expected of a team on its hands and knees while 3rd Round Peyton Manning and 1st Round CJ Anderson slap hands over top of them.
We here at the EB4D Blog Staff value three things above all others:
- Cutting corners
- Keeping things fresh
- Producing podcasts of poor audio quality where every 6th word is “um”
So in abiding by the first two of these three principles, this week’s blog is brought to you neither in written nor oratory form, but rather live performance art. So without further ado, I present to you “A Summary of Each Team’s Season Thus Far” as expressed via Vine.
1. Head Bustas (4-0, 452 points scored) – An NFL player in a fantasy football league
2. Chuck’s Cannons (3-1, 599 points scored) – Upon hearing accusations of using insider info for waiver wire bids…
3. Joint Practice Punchers (3-1, 492 points scored) – Will heading to the waiver wire to find a QB after Tony Romo went down…
4. Fighting Frazers (2-2, 498 points scored) – When the Frazers get off to a hot start to the season…
5. Los Turndownadors (2-2, 466 points scored) – Thomas trying to decide if he should start Jeremy Hill…
6. Tryna Get Lucky (2-2, 466 points scored) – When Matt holds on to win on back-to-back Monday Night games
7. Secret Squirrels (1-3, 545 points scored) – Just when you think another team can’t run up the score against him…
8. Suck It, Trebek (1-3, 472 points scored) – Haney, your level of effort the rest of the season on a scale of 1-10?
9. El Cunado (1-3, 453 points scored) – Plays Matt Week 1 and then…
10. Dirty Mike An The Boyz (1-3, 399 points scored) – How’s the music video rehearsal coming there Tuttle?