Week 14: EB4D Media Day

Much like our NFL counterpart, we couldn’t kickoff our league championship round without the opportunity to have a little Q&A with our participants. In the first annual installment of the EB4D Media Day, we try to cut to the core and ask the most pressing questions to inspire the hottest of takes.

Secret Squirrels

On a scale from largely to entirely, to what degree do you owe your recent run of post-season success to lopsided, late-season trades with Haney?

First of all, let me respond to such a demeaning question with some concrete statistics about this season. Since (and including) Week 10, the first week after this supposedly “lopsided” trade with James Alexander Haney III took place, the points are as follows:

Devonta Freeman (31.8 points) vs. Chris Ivory (59.5 points) – Advantage Haney

Michael Crabtree (53.8 points) vs. Randall Cobb (63.6 points) – Advantage Haney

I’ll just leave those statistics here and move on to my next point.

The trade caused league-wide cries of collusion and foul play, and I was again ridiculed for taking advantage of those with fantasy football learning disabilities.  As it turns out, I immediately contracted a brutal case of trAIDS, to the joy of most in the league I’m sure. I lost Lynch, Edelman, Graham, Rawls, and Romo (who admittedly I did not use) to injury following this trade, and the hopes of a return to the championship round grew slimmer with each ruptured patellar tendon.

Nonetheless, the Squirrels fought on, and even with these obvious shortcomings and absolutely no ROI on my trade, I defeated the “mighty” Cannons 3 times in the final 5 weeks. I cannot take all of the credit, however. The absolute and complete shitting of the bed by the Commish’s team on 3 separate occasions certainly helped my cause. I certainly think that the rest of the league enjoyed watching the Commish fall, and I may even be cured of my horrendous disease as a result. Commish, looks like you need to review your own trade with Haney and get tested for trAIDS yourself during the long offseason….

And in case you all forgot….

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Oh yeah, and one more reason for my late-season success…..IT Beckham, Jr. By the way, Cindy’s still crazy.

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Aside from The Old Hinman Family Whooping Belt, what is it going to take to beat Will?

I won’t try to sugarcoat it, the former Guns of Hochuli turned 2012 EB4D Champions turned Guns of Hochuli again (looks like Jon won that debate) are a solid team. As the “Wattos” just found out, 300 points for the Guns over a 2 week span is certainly within the realm of possibility. In order to stun the league and take down the regular season’s #1 scoring unit, I basically need Josh Norman to not act like Josh Norman next week. Norman will be squaring off with ITBJ, and if he could just roll an ankle in pre-game warmups or suddenly catch the flu……that would be just fine and dandy by me.

I certainly hope that my late season pickup of one Michael Floyd continues to pay dividends (thanks for dropping him, Commish). With Carson Palmer tossing the rock for the Guns, a big game by Floyd would certainly help to offset Palmer’s almost guaranteed 20+ points against a lousy Eagles D. Additionally, a big game by Floyd means that Fitzy may not have as big of a game as expected. We all know that betting on a injury-plagued former Notre Dame standout is a solid strategy and clear path to victory.

Also, another late-season trade needs to kick it into high gear. Yes, I’m talking about you, Adrian Peterson. Nick, give AP a little pep talk for me and tell him that his two-week stretch facing SEA and ARI are over. It’s time to pound the Bears D just like Haney pounds his right hand.

Onward to victory and the beginning of a Secret Squirrel dynasty.

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If crowned champion, in what debaucherous ways do you anticipate spending your winnings?

If the Secret Squirrels come away victorious for the 2nd time in 3 years, I will be sure to remind everyone regularly that the Secret Squirrels came away victorious for the 2nd time in 3 years. But to be perfectly honest, I may use the winnings to market and advertise the music video produced by either Nick or Tuttle. Never in my life will I pull more strongly for a tie, because the only thing that will beat a music video by either of those fine gentlemen is a music video by both of those fine gentlemen.

If such a financial undertaking is deemed a worthless investment, I will spend my money wisely by purchasing small gifts throughout the year for the Commish in order to secure unbalanced and incredibly favorable treatment throughout next fantasy season. For example, I would expect a detailed report providing instructions on how to view bids placed by other league members prior to the processing of waivers. And that’s just the tip of the iceberg.

On that note, the thought of this fantasy season coming to a close in 2 short weeks is truly heartbreaking. However, knowing that I can spend another year with OBJ on my roster is what will get me through the off-season, win or loss. I look forward to watching OBJ crush everyone’s fantasy hopes and dreams for a 3rd straight year with his ridiculous catch-making.

Cheers to another fun year, gents. I hope to see most of you back in NC over the holidays. Let’s hope Santa brings you everything that you want, except a championship, because that’s already been wrapped and placed under my tree.

Head Bustas

Can you pinpoint for us exactly where everything went wrong following a 4-0 start to your title defense?

It all went wrong after I did the podcast with you. I’m not sure what to call the curse but it is real.

Was the music video picked strategically knowing that it would likely be your hotline that was blinging?

Yeah it was the only dance video I felt comfortable bringing to a group of nerdy white guys.

Are you comforted more in knowing that Bryan’s QB is Jameis Winston or that his RB duo is Charcandrick West and Shaun Draugn?

My running backs are no better. Dez Bryant is garbage. My fantasy reputation is in shambles. This information gives me no solace.

[Thanks for your time, Coach Belichick]

Dirty Mike An The Boyz

Your Boyz have been famously reliant on stockpiling tight ends the past couple seasons, yet you’ve failed to make the playoffs even once since winning the championship in our inaugural season. Any talk of finding a new strategy for next season?

Absolutely not. If anything, I’ve learned that next year I need even more tight ends. I mean look at Matt’s team. If not for Gregggggggg, he’d probably be in my place, shaking his ass for dollar bills in this stupid music video. If you don’t think I’m drafting Gronk and Greggggggg back-to-back and still using Barnidge as my keeper, you probably aren’t very good at fantasy.

How does Emily feel that her fiancée may be forced to publically acknowledge that he is still receiving booty calls from a past lover?

She knew it came with the territory when she got involved with such a ruggedly handsome man. As for me, I have no shame. I think it’s cute that you think phone stuff is the kinkiest stuff we’re into.

Hindsight now 20/20, do you regret more that you didn’t bid more for DeAngelo Williams or that you failed to handcuff Le’Veon Bell in the first place?

Fuck you.

Guns of Hochuli

It’s well documented that you and the Tennessee Titans infamously came up one yard short on the final play in the biggest game of the year. How do you feel to be matched up in this year’s Finals with someone who actually succeeded on the grandest stage and has a championship to their name?

I’m thankful.

After ACC officials astutely flagged UNC on their onside kick attempt for committing both illegal formation and targeting penalties, tell us your thoughts on the bowl invitation committees sparing the Tar Heels from being embarrassed again on national TV at the hands of the mighty Houston Cougars.

I’m thankful.

For someone who has never known the warm embrace of a woman’s love, how would you explain your emotions as you stand just two weeks away from popping your cherry with someone who’s been around the block as many times as Kathryn has?

I’m thankful.

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