The First Annual Eastbound & 4th Down Award Show:
The Good, The Bad, The Fighting Frazers
In the first installment of what could easily become one of the better aspects of this league, we’re going to have our own ESPY’s…sort of. More shenanigans (unless you consider Caitlyn Jenner, who is brave and stunning, winning the Arthur Ashe Bravery Award, which we will never be able to out-ridiculous), more laughs, and waaaaaaay more brutal ribbing, like the condoms Will will never use. Not because he won’t ever get laid, but because I really have a hard time believing he cares anything about “her pleasure.”
Let’s start with the players by position, with the perfect team.
QB: Aaron Rodgers – Mr. Rodger’s Neighborhood
Honorable Mentions: Drew Brees, Matt Ryan
RB1: David Johnson – Mr. Rodger’s Neighborhood
RB2: DeMarco Murray – Eat My Pocket Dogs
Honorable Mentions: Ezekiel Elliot, Melvin Gordon, Le’Veon Bell, LeSean McCoy
WR1: Antonio Brown – El Turn Down f or Watto
WR2: Mike Evans – Laissez Fair Catch
Honorable Mentions: Julio Jones, Odell Beckham, Jr., Larry Fitzgerald, Jordy Nelson
TE: Greg Olsen (somehow) – Dirty Mike an the Boyz
Honorable Mentions: Jordan Reed, Delanie Walker
Flex: Travis Kelce, Kyle Rudolph, Martellus Bennett
D/ST: Vikings – Free Agent (but against Dallas)
Honorable Mentions: Chiefs, Broncos
K: Justin “Big Dick” Tucker – Secret Squirrels
Honorable Mentions: Matt Bryant, Adam Vinatieri
MVP: David Johnson 284.4 Points, averaging 25.9 per week
Impact Award: (given to the player who both impacted his team and whose owners were about as happy to have as an actual impaction)
Winner: Devin Hester. This guy scored -2 points on the season. Incredible. On the bright side, he’s projected to get 0.3 points this next week, so I guess that’s literally a plus.
Joel, on the state of his team, despite their managing to squeak into the playoffs:
“”They are a bunch of asshats” end quotes”
Why Joel felt the need to put quotations on his own quote, I do not know.
Next up, the award for Diamond in the Rough, which is given to the player who broke through the proverbial glass ceiling of low expectations.
And the winner is……
Dak Prescott! I don’t think anyone expected the rookie signal caller to 1) see the field, 2) be an absolute beast, and 3) unseat Tony Romo as the starter for the Cowboys. That said, he’ll never have been with Jessica Simpson back in the day, and that’s something anyone could retire with a smile knowing.
Terrelle Pryor was considered for this, but there’s not a Browns player on Earth that belongs on the receiving end of any positive award.
Now we move to the award for Biggest Bust, given not to Jessica Simpson (though that joke actually works on a number of levels), but to the player who came in with the highest expectations, but decided instead that covering his sheets in the stink of fecal failure was a better idea.
This one is easy.
Todd Gurley, c’mon down! After literally running all over the competition last season, the sophomore hit his slump like 2016 hit the lifespan of celebrities. There are definitely some others who didn’t do as well insofar as points scored, but none of them were worthy of a first round pick, if injuries are excluded. Jamaal Charles was a solid pickup to back up the youthful workhorse turned stable mule, except Father Time gives no quarter.
Next up we’ve got the award for Money Best Spent, followed by Money Most Wasted. These are given to those who managed to navigate the waiver wire, though the two did so with very different results. First up, Money Best Spent. By the way, Jack lost to Joel on an early season bid for Tevin Coleman. $30 is indeed more than $2. Early contender for biggest waste of funds.
The award for Money Best Spent goes to a $2 bid by Frazer for Dak Prescott, beating out Joel by a full $1. The Money Worst Spent award goes to Bryan Tuttle for his $61 bid on Charcandrick West, again beating Joel, but this time by $49.
NOTE: Holy Christ. Going through the auction report was WAY more fascinating than I thought it’d be. There are stories here, far beyond a simple award. I’m going to put up the list I made while doing the research. There’s more to it than is written down, but have at it. There were some overpays after November 9, but at that point there’s not much reason to be saving money, so it’s hard to consider those as failures.
- T. Williams $3 Tut (Dropped D. Jackson)
- Vikings D $20 Joel (beat Jon with a bid of $0)
- T. Coleman $32 Joel (Dropped D. Parker)
- J. Crowder $6 Frazer (dropped P. Dorsett)
- M. Bennett $25 Joel
- D. Sproles $2 Alex (but dropped Spencer Ware for it)
- S. Coates $0 Frazer (dropped Crowder)
- Meredith $38 Jack
- S. Ware $30 Joel (dropped a D, beat Alex by $2, and Nick by $10)
- T. Taylor $0 Nick (dropped B. Bortles)
- M. Mariota $4 Tut (dropped Q. Enunwa)
- T. Montgomery $28 Frazer (dropped K. Britt)
- C. Beasley $1 Joel (dropped A. Foster)
- J. Winston $0 Jack (but dropped D. Carr)
- T. Williams $0 Jack (dropped T. Benjamin)
- T. West $61 Tut
- H. Henry $26 Joel (dropped K)
- H. Henry $25 Alex (dropped S. Shepard, overbid next place by $17, dropped the next week)
- D. Prescott $2 Frazer (dropped R. Wilson, beat out Joel by $1)
- R. Jennings $0 Nick (dropped F. Whittaker)
- J. Crowder $20 Jack (dropped W. Snead)
- R. Kelley $18 Alex
****note, three people put in bids for the Ravens on 11/9, all three for $10. Jack won by virtue of being first in line on the waiver wire.
Let’s continue on to Most Valuable Trade. To be valuable as a whole, a trade needs to benefit both sides. As I type this, I already regret the research I’m going to have to do.
The trade deemed Most Valuable is…
Odell Beckham, Jr. for Emmanuel Sanders and a conditional draft pick. Obviously OBJ is of higher value than Sanders, but when you factor in either a 1st, 3rd, or 4th round pick next year, the scales shift back to the middle. There were others that could have been considered, but most of those were relatively mundane.
Now for the Most One Sided Trade. This award goes to a trade that only one party actually benefited from, for some reason or another, including the dreaded trAIDS virus.
T.Y. Hilton for A.J. Green actually would have been fairly even, given the eventual lack of a QB for one, and the lack of a hamstring for the other. However, that trade only set up the trade rape that came next. With that said, the winner of the Most One Sided Trade (AKA the trAIDS Trophy) goes to Mr. Howard in trading Jamison Crowder and Doug Martin for A.J. Green. $$$$ got a needed RB and a solid flex play, and Jack got essentially nothing, unless Green makes a comeback.
This one I just made up because the outcome is hilarious to me. The award for Best Veto is given to the player responsible for the best trade veto of the year. That only one existed is irrelevant.
Bryan Tuttle, congratulations on vetoing Jon’s bid for LeSean McCoy. It’s entirely possible that could have been the difference in the playoffs and the Toilet Bowl for our beloved Commish.
The award for Most Points Scored goes to Laissez Fair Catch with 1672.4, followed by Joel and Jon with 1521.4 and 1518.1, respectively.
The award for
Best Luckiest Defense goes also to Laissez Fair Catch with 1283.2, followed by Matt and Will with 1426.7 and 1430.5.
Obviously the season rarely ends the way it begins, and streaks have a lot to do with that. Next we have the Phoenix Award and the Deuce Award. One awarded to the team which rose from the ashes of defeat to storm to the playoffs, the other given to the team which fell from on high into the Toilet Bowl.
Phoenix Award: The Secret Squirrels
Jack’s team rattled off a 6 win streak that jettisoned them into 3rd place and a berth in the playoffs, averaging 128.9 points per week, and 116.3 once outlying 150+ games are accounted for, after averaging 115.6 through 6 weeks.
Deuce Award: Numero Un
Well, at least #1 in something. Jon started strong at 5-2, sitting at 2nd place in the league going into week 8. It was all downhill from there for the despot, losing his next 5 straight, sinking his team directly into the muck of the Toilet Bowl. The Uns averaged an offensive 108.5 over the course of the streak, with no outliers, after averaging 139.3 in the weeks preceding.
As a bit of EB4D history, the best and worst records (by %) is 10-2, held by the 2014 Head Bustas and Andre Fortehands, and the 2016 Laissez Fair Catch. The worst record is held by the 2011 We Sum Head Bustas and the 2012 PASSWORDIS TACOs at 2-11. It’s worth noting that the next worst also belongs to Joel and the 2014 Fear Boners at 2-10, despite defeating the Great Balls in the Toilet bowl that year.
The Caitlyn Jenner Courage Award goes to Laissez Fair Catch! Not for being the best team, though they were, but for returning to play this year after their owner swore to every god known and unknown that he was done with fantasy football after coming in dead last 3/5 seasons, and never finishing better than 3rd to last. This was true stunning bravery, and not Caitlyn Jenner, Laren Hill, nor Pat Tillman could reach such heights. As Nelson Mandela, FDR, and like 90 other assholes once said, “Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the assessment that you can’t quit because then those assholes will have won.” Or something like that.
Right then, on to the playoffs.
By the way, there are two teams at 6-6 in the middle bracket, and one in both the Playoffs and the Toilet Bowl.
Let’s start with the middle bracket, because it could not possibly matter less.
As is custom, the #5 and #6 teams fight for absolutely nothing. What is not custom, is that Frazer is not involved. It’s really weird. Nick’s Head Bustas take on Bryan an the Boyz in the fantasy equivalent of a war between Liechtenstein and Nauru over an island near Antarctica. No one cares. But, just looking at the teams and considering recent history (Nick and Tut actually came in 2nd for the appropriate Streaks awards), odds are Nick busts dirty all over Bryan and his Boyz.
To the winner’s bracket. #2 Mr. Rodger’s Neighborhood will host the #3 Secret Squirrels. Lucky for Jack, Mr. Rodger also struck me as living in a friendly part of town. You know, without all the crime and whatnot. The sort of place where trees exist. Perfect for squirrels. Whether or not this particular venue is equally welcoming, we shall see. If A.J. Green manages to make a comeback, this gets huREAL tight. Last time these teams met was in Week 4, when the Squirrels were discount-double-checked out of town 106.1-80.7.
The #4 Eat My Pocket Dogs take on the #1 Laissez Fair Catch. Thank for the offer, but I’ll be keeping my hands off your pocket dogs. That’s filthy. Interestingly enough, the last meetup for these two teams brought the first loss of the season to the Fair Catch, in which The Pocket Dogs won by 0.2 points. Not that I’m still bitter. The likelihood of Joel moving to the next round is about the same as The League returning for another season.
There are very few sporting events in which the Losers’ Bracket is more exciting than the Winners’ Bracket. Our league is one such example, and I think we should be proud of that.
The inappropriately named #8 Numero Uns compete against the #9 El turn down fo r Wattos to determine which team will climb to safety, and which will take a dip in sewage. These two teams have met twice before, each with different outcomes. Thomas’s team’s inability to place defense has not changes, though. Hilton, Gronk, and Luck are all questionable to play for the Uns, leaving this one more than a little interesting, though if they go, the Uns field a strong team. We should look to see the Wattos fighting for their lives.
Last and also least, the #7 Guns of Hochuli will be shooting toward the #10 Fighting Frazers. As if this wasn’t intriguing enough, we’ve got ourselves a brothers matchup. While my previous question as to whether or not Will would accept his brother’s now vacated mantle of aggressive monotony seems to be a resounding “yes,” this game itself is a Code Beige (that one’s for you, Jon). Frazer’s team has actually scored surprisingly well over the last bit, and looks to continue that trend. It’s more than possible that Will selected his own fate at the beginning of the year.
Well gents, that’s it for the regular season. It’s been fun.