Week 14: EB4D Media Day

Much like our NFL counterpart, we couldn’t kickoff our league championship round without the opportunity to have a little Q&A with our participants. In the first annual installment of the EB4D Media Day, we try to cut to the core and ask the most pressing questions to inspire the hottest of takes.

Secret Squirrels

On a scale from largely to entirely, to what degree do you owe your recent run of post-season success to lopsided, late-season trades with Haney?

First of all, let me respond to such a demeaning question with some concrete statistics about this season. Since (and including) Week 10, the first week after this supposedly “lopsided” trade with James Alexander Haney III took place, the points are as follows:

Devonta Freeman (31.8 points) vs. Chris Ivory (59.5 points) – Advantage Haney

Michael Crabtree (53.8 points) vs. Randall Cobb (63.6 points) – Advantage Haney

I’ll just leave those statistics here and move on to my next point.

The trade caused league-wide cries of collusion and foul play, and I was again ridiculed for taking advantage of those with fantasy football learning disabilities.  As it turns out, I immediately contracted a brutal case of trAIDS, to the joy of most in the league I’m sure. I lost Lynch, Edelman, Graham, Rawls, and Romo (who admittedly I did not use) to injury following this trade, and the hopes of a return to the championship round grew slimmer with each ruptured patellar tendon.

Nonetheless, the Squirrels fought on, and even with these obvious shortcomings and absolutely no ROI on my trade, I defeated the “mighty” Cannons 3 times in the final 5 weeks. I cannot take all of the credit, however. The absolute and complete shitting of the bed by the Commish’s team on 3 separate occasions certainly helped my cause. I certainly think that the rest of the league enjoyed watching the Commish fall, and I may even be cured of my horrendous disease as a result. Commish, looks like you need to review your own trade with Haney and get tested for trAIDS yourself during the long offseason….

And in case you all forgot….

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Oh yeah, and one more reason for my late-season success…..IT Beckham, Jr. By the way, Cindy’s still crazy.

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Aside from The Old Hinman Family Whooping Belt, what is it going to take to beat Will?

I won’t try to sugarcoat it, the former Guns of Hochuli turned 2012 EB4D Champions turned Guns of Hochuli again (looks like Jon won that debate) are a solid team. As the “Wattos” just found out, 300 points for the Guns over a 2 week span is certainly within the realm of possibility. In order to stun the league and take down the regular season’s #1 scoring unit, I basically need Josh Norman to not act like Josh Norman next week. Norman will be squaring off with ITBJ, and if he could just roll an ankle in pre-game warmups or suddenly catch the flu……that would be just fine and dandy by me.

I certainly hope that my late season pickup of one Michael Floyd continues to pay dividends (thanks for dropping him, Commish). With Carson Palmer tossing the rock for the Guns, a big game by Floyd would certainly help to offset Palmer’s almost guaranteed 20+ points against a lousy Eagles D. Additionally, a big game by Floyd means that Fitzy may not have as big of a game as expected. We all know that betting on a injury-plagued former Notre Dame standout is a solid strategy and clear path to victory.

Also, another late-season trade needs to kick it into high gear. Yes, I’m talking about you, Adrian Peterson. Nick, give AP a little pep talk for me and tell him that his two-week stretch facing SEA and ARI are over. It’s time to pound the Bears D just like Haney pounds his right hand.

Onward to victory and the beginning of a Secret Squirrel dynasty.

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If crowned champion, in what debaucherous ways do you anticipate spending your winnings?

If the Secret Squirrels come away victorious for the 2nd time in 3 years, I will be sure to remind everyone regularly that the Secret Squirrels came away victorious for the 2nd time in 3 years. But to be perfectly honest, I may use the winnings to market and advertise the music video produced by either Nick or Tuttle. Never in my life will I pull more strongly for a tie, because the only thing that will beat a music video by either of those fine gentlemen is a music video by both of those fine gentlemen.

If such a financial undertaking is deemed a worthless investment, I will spend my money wisely by purchasing small gifts throughout the year for the Commish in order to secure unbalanced and incredibly favorable treatment throughout next fantasy season. For example, I would expect a detailed report providing instructions on how to view bids placed by other league members prior to the processing of waivers. And that’s just the tip of the iceberg.

On that note, the thought of this fantasy season coming to a close in 2 short weeks is truly heartbreaking. However, knowing that I can spend another year with OBJ on my roster is what will get me through the off-season, win or loss. I look forward to watching OBJ crush everyone’s fantasy hopes and dreams for a 3rd straight year with his ridiculous catch-making.

Cheers to another fun year, gents. I hope to see most of you back in NC over the holidays. Let’s hope Santa brings you everything that you want, except a championship, because that’s already been wrapped and placed under my tree.

Head Bustas

Can you pinpoint for us exactly where everything went wrong following a 4-0 start to your title defense?

It all went wrong after I did the podcast with you. I’m not sure what to call the curse but it is real.

Was the music video picked strategically knowing that it would likely be your hotline that was blinging?

Yeah it was the only dance video I felt comfortable bringing to a group of nerdy white guys.

Are you comforted more in knowing that Bryan’s QB is Jameis Winston or that his RB duo is Charcandrick West and Shaun Draugn?

My running backs are no better. Dez Bryant is garbage. My fantasy reputation is in shambles. This information gives me no solace.

[Thanks for your time, Coach Belichick]

Dirty Mike An The Boyz

Your Boyz have been famously reliant on stockpiling tight ends the past couple seasons, yet you’ve failed to make the playoffs even once since winning the championship in our inaugural season. Any talk of finding a new strategy for next season?

Absolutely not. If anything, I’ve learned that next year I need even more tight ends. I mean look at Matt’s team. If not for Gregggggggg, he’d probably be in my place, shaking his ass for dollar bills in this stupid music video. If you don’t think I’m drafting Gronk and Greggggggg back-to-back and still using Barnidge as my keeper, you probably aren’t very good at fantasy.

How does Emily feel that her fiancée may be forced to publically acknowledge that he is still receiving booty calls from a past lover?

She knew it came with the territory when she got involved with such a ruggedly handsome man. As for me, I have no shame. I think it’s cute that you think phone stuff is the kinkiest stuff we’re into.

Hindsight now 20/20, do you regret more that you didn’t bid more for DeAngelo Williams or that you failed to handcuff Le’Veon Bell in the first place?

Fuck you.

Guns of Hochuli

It’s well documented that you and the Tennessee Titans infamously came up one yard short on the final play in the biggest game of the year. How do you feel to be matched up in this year’s Finals with someone who actually succeeded on the grandest stage and has a championship to their name?

I’m thankful.

After ACC officials astutely flagged UNC on their onside kick attempt for committing both illegal formation and targeting penalties, tell us your thoughts on the bowl invitation committees sparing the Tar Heels from being embarrassed again on national TV at the hands of the mighty Houston Cougars.

I’m thankful.

For someone who has never known the warm embrace of a woman’s love, how would you explain your emotions as you stand just two weeks away from popping your cherry with someone who’s been around the block as many times as Kathryn has?

I’m thankful.

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Week 11: The Frazer Zone

There’s no denying Week 11 was a brutal week. More top 10 runningbacks were carried off the field, nearly 200 fewer total points were scored than average, and Mark Sanchez was prominently involved. That all said, Week 11 also brought us some much needed clarity to the 2015 playoff race. While some teams named the Cannons may have limped across the finish line, others continue to surge their way to destiny, such as the Bustas who have now lost 8 straight and are looking untouchable in their quest to go from First to Worst.

And all of that is well and good, but this week we should focus not on the teams who have clinched, but instead the teams whose lives are still on the line. After this week, two of the teams listed below with be playoff bound, one floundering in the Toilet Bowl, and two in the purgatory that lies halfway in between. For these unlucky two, they must learn to deal with the gloomy reality that their team will not again be relevant until next September, forced float between hell and Earth in a place better known as… The Frazer Zone.

Secret Squirrels

Makes the playoffs: with a win over Quill’s Penmen. While it’s worth mentioning that Jack must not only win, but also defend his points lead over Thomas and Frazer, I have to assume that anyone beating Quill scored 195 points in order to do so. As if that wasn’t enough pressure, Jack is also showing early symptoms of what might be the most severe cases of trAIDS of all time. I mean, no person of a sound and healthy mind would actually try to predict when Eric Ebron is going to have a good game, would they?

Los Turndownadors

Makes the playoffs: if Will continues to not lose in the month of November and Nick continues to not win in months other than September. A quick look at Thomas’ receiving corps would lead you to believe a least the latter half of this scenario is a very real possibility. That said, his team will be quarterbacked by Phillip Rivers, who took such a smelly shit on his team last Sunday that even Derek Carr had to hold his nose.

Fighting Frazers

[Editor’s Note: Not only is Frazer in the Frazer Zone, but he’s squarely in the middle of the list. You can’t make this stuff up.]

Makes the playoffs: with some combination of a win over Tuttle and loses by Jack, Thomas, and/or Haney. As I write this, I’ve spent the last 20 minutes combing through box scores, standings, and more looking for a fun factoid regarding the Frazers chances this weekend. In an outcome surprising to absolutely no one, nothing interesting stood out. If the Frazers were a Republican candidate, they would be John Kasich.

[Readers not named Jack and Haney do a quick search for John Kasich. Still don’t know who he is. Realize analogy.]

Suck It, Trebek

Makes the playoffs: when hell freezes over.

Avoids the Toilet Bowl: so long as he avoids losing to Matt by 42.9 points. I’m specific about the .9 points here because nothing would delight me more than to see the look on Haney’s face as Matt approaches this mark. In all honesty, if this scenario is even remotely in play, I’ll declare mandatory participation in a Google Hangout to watch Travis Benjamin go for the win in what is otherwise a truly terrible Monday Night game.

Tryna Get Lucky

Makes the playoffs: Matt beats Haney, Will beat Jack, Nick beats Thomas, and Tut beats Frazer. Ah who are we kidding, if Bryan can’t even beat me, there’s no way he’s winning another game this season.

Avoids the Toilet Bowl: with the aforementioned monumental win over Haney. Were he playing anyone else, I’d be quick to point out that Matt has been the lowest or 2nd lowest scorer in the league for 3 of the past 4 weeks, and likely has no chance. But given that it is the Toilet Bowl, I’d sooner turn over the link to all of your waiver bids than declare Haney out of it.

Week 10: Bye Week

Unlike the Fighting Frazers, the EB4D Blog Staff is gearing up for a playoff run, so this week’s Bye Week couldn’t have come at a better time. What’s that? You thought the Bye Week was 3 weeks ago? Oh no, that was simply part of our league’s effort to expand its international presence by broadcasting live from Anguilla. To be honest, probably not the worst NFL media to be broadcast from a British territory this year. But worry not, the blog will be back in full force in Week 11. And really, you should consider this week a win. I could have sent you another podcast.

Week 9: The Woods Report

Attention League Owners: It would appear that in the wake of last week’s spirited discussion regarding the waiver auction system, some of you still seem slightly less than 100% confident that the your commissioner has anything less than the league’s best interest in mind. As a result, I have done as my idol and mentor Roger Stokoe Goodel [Editor’s Note: his actual, stupid middle name], would have done: employed a completely toothless underling to publish an investigative report, that actually uncovers nothing potentially damaging to my public image. That’s why this week I bring you… The Woods Report.

In this week’s guest blog our commish has requested for me to “cover all the stupid things I’ve said in the history of the blog.” However if I were to cover every stupid thing Jon has said in his two years of writings [Editor’s Note: three, so thanks for reading my emails…] this post would be longer than Jameis Winston’s rap sheet. So sadly I’ll just be focusing on this year but don’t worry there’s some great stuff!

EB4D Mock Draft 2.0:

This being the first actual blog post of the year Jon decided to give us some “hot takes” for this season. He predicted that Johnny Football would be a better fantasy player this year than Marcus Mariota who is fresh off a 4 TD, 33 point game. No need to make fun of this as it speaks for itself. Next he predicted that OBJ wouldn’t be a top ten wide receiver this year so 0 for 2 there Jon. And finally his last prediction was that Haney would not finish last again this year. This was the boldest of predictions as he had no clue that Haney would strike gold on waivers with Davonta Freeman. So while the season is far from over that one’s looking kinda viable, I guess I’ll give you that.

[Editor’s Note: Joel wrote this on Sunday night, and oh the irony of complimenting Haney’s fantasy acumin in a post aimed to make me look like the jackass.]

Proposed Rule Changes:

Ok I’ll start by saying Jon said nothing stupid here. The stupid thing he did was assume that this league could deal with any sort of change. 1/2 point PPR was fine, even the keeper rules were understood but then he went as far as to want to change the way waivers work? What was he thinking? I’m pretty sure Thomas thinks this is The Price Is Right now as he keeps bidding a dollar and wonders why he doesn’t win. I WAS THE CLOSEST WITHOUT GOING OVER.

Preseason Week 2: EB4Dmd

The karma in this post is amazing. He wants to write a post about blowing out ACL’s then immediately drafts Mr. Aysee L.Tare himself, Jamal Charles. You should have known someone who was in the special classes for the majority of their childhood would have a problem staying upright and healthy. Ok so Jamal Charles goes down then he immediately trades for Eddie Lacy who he mentioned in the very same blog about concussion problems. Don’t worry guys more to come on this trade later as this has been the shining moment in the league for me thus far.

Week 3: Blogcast

Ah yes this is where Jon really does some of his best work of the year. Most of you didn’t listen to the entire thing so I’ll sum it up for you pretty quick. It starts with a lot of uh’s, continues to the middle where there’s even more uh’s, and finally he ends with one final uh. Best commentary work since Monty gave us this along side Bob Euecker.

Week 5: The Definitive Head Busta Interview

Guys he did another Blogcast, stupid decision #1. He did spice things up with the Nick interview but he never asked the tough questions like what’s it like to have your own Wikipedia page. Sadly 2014 EB4D champion is not listed there. Someone should probably edit that right away. [Editor’s Note: Had I known this existed before today, it would have definitely been discussed. I mean, the amount accuracy within even the Early Years section is outstanding.]

My favorite “stupid” moment from the season comes from this week. Coming off the trade for Eddie Lacy, Jon was riding high. He thought he totally “fleeced” me giving up Eric “Touchdown” Decker and Duke Johnson. Sorry Jon but Karma is a bitch and so is Eddie Lacy. There’s a bit of irony in this week from Nick as well because looking as the standings he could totally go first to worst. If the music video is going to be as bad as he described it, how awesome would it be if he was the receiver of his own punishment. Just a thought there. Also for those of you that didn’t see the video suggested by Tuttle here it is with a disclaimer that you might not wanna watch it in public.

Week 8: Uncovering Bidghazi

After the Wednesday debacle with the bidding, a good commissioner would stand up and tell his league that he would mount a full investigation into the matter. Instead Jon started by basically telling us all to suck a bag of dicks and that he will do whatever he wants to do. Well jokes on you Jon because we aren’t gonna take it anymore. We pay your bills and pay for your fancy honeymoon so you will listen to your constituents. If you don’t we might just have to elect a new commish, my money’s on this guy.

[Editor’s Note: I hope he wins. He and this league deserve each other.]

Afterthought

While Jon has made plenty of stupid decision on our blog, I think we can all agree he did a good job deciding on his wife. Congrats to you both, and sorry I couldn’t be there to Turn Down For Watt with you guys but I’m sure it was a very classy affair.

Peace out (drops mic)

Week 8: Uncovering Bidghazi

In wake of today’s controversy, I thought I’d open this edition of the blog with a contrite and empathetic statement, apologizing for any trouble I’d stirred up by placing such an outrageous bid for the services of DeAngelo Williams. I even went as far as to offer a trade of Williams to Tuttle in exchange only for the $50 he originally bid. Unfortunately, that statement was mysteriously deleted from my email account with no chance of recovery.

And because this week’s blog was pushed back a day by complete and utter coincidence, let us examine the steals, deals, and down-right stupid decisions we’ve seen with FAAB through the first nine weeks of the season thus far.

Preseason:

It took exactly 0 weeks for the biggest bargain of the year to be had. At half the cost of what Frazer was willing to pay for Andy ‘Red Rocket’ Dalton to lead his team to mediocrity, Jack was able secure 16 weeks of the #1 quarterback in fantasy. If there’s anything that needs investigating this year, it’s finding out what kind of crack we were all smoking that made everyone but Jack think Tommy Terrific wasn’t worth even a one-single-dollar bid.

Week 3:

While I would have loved if $2 Sam Bradford turned out to be worthy of mention in this post, it really took us until Week 3 to see our next waiver claim of any real consequence. With Le’Veon Bell back from suspension, and fresh off their bi-annual beatdown of the News Team/Fortehands/Cannons, Tuttle’s Boyz were approaching juggernaut status when they added PPR machine Dion Lewis for just over 10% of their FAAB. And in a classic tale of the rich getting richer, the Boyz were able to bring Lewis aboard by dropping the perfectly expendable backup Steelers runningback. Some guys just have all the luck.

Week 4:

In one of the grossest overpays of the year, Will actually placed a claim for Mike Vick to occupy a spot on his roster. His price: $0. Like I said, a gross overpay.

Week 5:

For someone who has pitched such a fit about these waiver auctions, Matt may be one of the few among us who actually knows how to use it. Consider this: over $110 waiver dollars have been spent on the tight end poo-poo platter of Benjamin Watson, Ledarius Green, and Eric Ebron (who alone has been claimed for $20+ not once but twice, despite the fact that his bio clearly states that is employed by the Detroit Lions). Meanwhile, Matt spent a grand total of $12 to gain the rights to the 6th Grownkowski brother separated at birth, Gary Barnidge. Like I said, some guys just have all the Luck.

Week 6:

Team A’s best player suffers a catastrophic, season-ending injury. Truly devastating. Making matters worse, Team A neglected to handcuff said player with the clear-cut and fully competent backup. A real bone-headed move. Fortunately, Team A had ample FAAB remaining, and placed a bid on aforementioned handcuff that should have been more than sufficient. Problem solved! Yet come Wednesday morning, it is revealed Team B has weaseled their way to the top with an odd-totaled wager, narrowly outbidding Team A for the soon-to-be top 20 player. “Shenanigans, Outrage, Mutiny” the league must have cried!

Oh, but that’s right. Nobody had a gahdam thing to say when Thomas emerged as the high-bidder for Charcandrick West. Moving on.

Week 9:

Haney swaps out kicker Steven Hauschka for Mike Nugent, spending zero dollars in the process. A savvy move from the most fiscally responsible, but definitely not Jewish guy I know. We should all aspire to manage our rosters as soundly as Haney has this year.

Week 6: Strict Quantifications

It seemed like only yesterday we all gathered around the Google Hangout, and laughed to ourselves as Matt took Alfred Morris in the 3rd round. Yet here we are with Week 6 in the books, now halfway through the 2016 regular season. While it would be easy to rely on the rankings as indicator of who has done well and who has shat all over themselves this season, I decided to take it a step further, and do a little deep-dive into each team’s true performance as teased in last week’s blogcast.

For those interested, I’ll explain how we came to this evaluation and why it is a reasonable indicator of future success. For those of you who think I’m biased and wouldn’t buy water from me if you were stuck in the desert, feel free to keep scrolling until the cursor inserts itself directly up your ass.

Methodology: Each week, each team’s score is ranked from highest to lowest and given a corresponding value of 9 to 0. A value of 9 – the highest possible value – means you were the top scorer in the league, and would have won all 9 possible matchups you could have had that week. A value of 0 means your name is more than likely Bryan Tuttle, and you outscored zero other teams that week. After summing a team’s value from each of the 6 weeks, the total value is taken as a percentage of 56 (9 games per week x 6 weeks). The final win expectancy percentage can be interpreted as “Based on its weekly scores, Team A would have been expected to win X% of its matchups so far this year.” And now that none of you are following, on to the ranks.

1. Jon (78% win expectancy) – In terms of average points per week, Joel is closer to the being the playoff-bound 4th highest scorer than the next highest team is from being 1st. And Joel’s team sucks. Your move, gentleman. [Ignores all karma implications of turning All-Pro Jamaal Charles into Fat Eddie Lacy within 2 weeks)\

2. Matt (65%) – Matt’s surge of late has been fueled by one strong-armed AFC South quarterback whose 19.7 points per week is good for 6th best in all of football thus far this season. Surely that’s the way Matt envisioned it when he drafted Andrew Luck in the 1st round, but the fact that Blake Bortles has been the one carrying his team is about as unexpected as if I we’re to tell you Frazer would be the drunkest girl at the party at this weekend’s wedding.

3. Jack (63%) – Coming into this week, if the Secret Squirrels had been any easier to score on, we might have had to start calling them the Secret Shea Daniels (zing). When it comes to putting out points, however, over 35% of Jack’s weekly scoring output is coming from the Brady-Edelman connection alone, highest of any QB/WR combo in the EB4D. That some quality hands-on-balls action.

4. Haney (56%) – If you thought Matt coming in at #2 in these ranks was surprising, wait until I tell you that Haney’s strong ranking is driven by the fact he’s made the league’s best waiver pickup to date in Devonta Freeman. Then again, he’s just 2-4 with 4 of his 6 highest scoring players on bye this week, so hell might not have frozen over entirely just yet.

5. Thomas (56%) – While The Turndownadors are far from out of contention this year, the emergence of Todd Gurley really has me considering changing the keeper rules to prevent Thomas from becoming a complete juggernaut next season. Luckily for the rest of us, he won’t also be able to keep Martavis Bryant aka Randy Moss Reincarnated With Worse Tattoos, as well.

6. Will (54%) – No analysis provided here until the team name changes. Seriously, its the worst.

7. Frazer (46%) – The Frazers may have built their team around Matt Ryan throwing the ball anywhere within 10 feet of Julio Jones, but the fact that they continue to keep Andy Dalton aka The Red Rifle aka “The #1 QB In Fantasy This Season” on their bench is negligence in the least, and bordering on flagrant gingerism. And if there’s one thing this league won’t stand for, it’s discriminating against someone due to the pasty, freckled hue of their skin.

8. Joel (35%) – While there is plenty good to be said for consistency, the fact that The Brother-in-Laws have the least scoring variability in the league does not bode well when you’re averaging the 3rd fewest points in the league. If The In-Laws have anything going for them, it’s that they’ve now shed the literal weight of having Eddie Lacy on their roster in favor of the much more svelte Doug Martin.

9. Nick (24%) – What’s that you say? How can the defending champ currently in possession of an elusive playoff spot be ranked so low? Before you once again question the authenticity of my fool-proof rankings, consider this: Nick’s team has yet to finish higher than 7th in any given week this season. So while you may be quick to point the finger at Commish for fraud and collusion, let’s instead figure out how Nick’s managed to play one of at most three teams worse than him in 4 of the 6 weeks thus far this season. Harvard degree being put to very nefarious use, if you ask me.

10. Tut (24%) – Of all the teams to own both Leveon and Gronk in ESPN leagues this season, I’m willing to bet very few are as bad as The Boyz. To quantify exactly how inept Dem Boyz have been, on only 5 occasions this year has a team failed to score 90 points. Tuttle is the proud owner of 60% of such instances. That said, there’s only so much that can be expected of a team on its hands and knees while 3rd Round Peyton Manning and 1st Round CJ Anderson slap hands over top of them.