Let’s Do This Shit

Week 8 Roundup


For someone that watched a combined three snaps of football this weekend (two of which were college), I’m about to give one fantastic closure to Week 8. Right now, this relationship is very much one of Walmart being the only place you can get obscure wall prints that look like they might have a touch of class, but you know deep inside that your guests know very outwardly that they’re Grade A white trash. Doesn’t stop me from liking mine, though. So, until a Kirklands moves in, you gents are standing in line back to the kid’s graphic tees, wondering why there are literally 36 lanes, and 3 ½ are open. Let’s be honest, Glenda hasn’t used technology since the rotary telephone.

Can there be any doubt that this is shaping up to be an exciting year? I’m going to keep bitching about the lack of creativity and overall friendly sadism of the punishment this year (who’d have guessed the son of a pastor would be less of an asshole?), but it’s still an interesting season. There are four teams tied for fourth at four wins and four losses. That is straight up compelling. Only three teams exist under that line, meaning one of these teams is destined for the loser’s league. Joel’s meteoric rise to contention, Matt’s continued quiet winning ways, and Nick’s fulfillment of divine prophesy (called it) have made it entirely too clear: this is anyone’s league.

‘Cept Frazer. You might want to go ahead and start planning for the inevitable.

Let’s hop in the way way back machine and look at the unfolding of events from not nearly long enough ago to warrant such a powerful device.


Dirty Mike and the Fair Catch

Tyler Eifert, in his first game as a full participant after coming back from multiple injuries, put his hands all over the Boyz. The big TE broke off 25.2 points in Tut’s John Brown hindparts, leading all scorers for both teams. Speaking of leading scorers, if yours is your defense, there’s usually a problem. Three of Tut’s skill position players combined for a whopping 9.6 points. Combined. That means put together. Oh, dear… Had Mike Gillislee been in the lineup, well, nothing would have changed. But hey, at least being on the bench keeps him from getting injured, amirite?

Implications: The Boyz fell to 4-4, putting them squarely in the middle of the race, and cementing my own team as the lone owner of first place for another week. Thanks for the F shack.


I dare anyone here to get a red Prius

Fighting My Pocket Dog

First off, I couldn’t decide between this and “Eat My Fighting Frazer.” I think either would be a win, if for nothing more than the visual that is sure to come wither either. Frazer did indeed put up a fight this week, barely losing to the Dogs, who have managed to reel off 4 straight, during a win streak with some rather tight games. If there’s one thing a pocket dog loves, it’s a tight squeeze. Oh hey! Dez is back! The Frazers put up a generally solid stat line, really. Russell Wilson did as Russell Wilson does, and disappointed greatly, leading to the 7th loss of the year for the elder Hinman. Amari Cooper, on the other hand, more than made up for what was a pedestrian-at-best effort from the rest of the Dogs. Janikowski somehow managed to miss 2/3 field goals, so now might be a good time to find religion, or meet the end times with a bottle of Jack and a full-finger solute.

Keg-Stand Regional Champ

Implications: Frazer is toast. Nothing else to see here. Joel, however, has clearly sold his soul. Little late, but I’d say a fair price.


El Turn Down for…. No. Head Wa…no. This is stupid. Nick vs Thomas.

While reading through some old posts in search of comedic inspiration (clearly I found it, right?…right???), I came across the bold predictions column from last year, as well as a particular phrase. I AM NOSTRADOMUS. Rather than predict 9/11, or the rise of Hitler, though, I predicted something truly useful. Nick used his considerable human size and his new-found skills to give the Wattos the ol’ pancake. Fortunately for Thomas, if you want to find the silver lining, his team didn’t exactly “go off.” So the sound beating was more expected than it was heart-breaking. Plus, you were warned. I didn’t know who Jordan Howard was until this weekend. Clearly neither did Minnesota.

Hang on, wrong purple team

Implications: The Head Bustas live! And Thomas, despite his way-too-high-for-this-to-be-any-semblance-of-fair scoring so far, falls to 2-6. I’d say he wouldn’t need to worry much about the loser’s bracket, as it’s still a solid team, but then some kicker would put the ball through the uprights 19 times, and return a fumble for a touchdown.


Mr. Rodger’s Un

Back on track. Alright, maaaaaybe I got the call wrong on this one. But Jon scored more than enough to win on the usual week, so I’m chalking it up to a W for me. Also a W for me is the fact that Jon did, in fact, lose! Rodgers did bring down the house in what was sure to be a shootout from the start. This was a well-played game all around, really. No one player did excessively well or poorly in relation to the rest of the lineup; the biggest mistake Matt made was leaving what would have been the numbers 2 and 3 scorers on the bench, allowing it to be a close game. Yep, no glaring, obvious, head-scratchingly dumb mistakes, here. Hang on, what’s that? Jon started a defense that got torched by Miami only a week before, and allowed 16 points from an anemic SF offense, against what may well be the best offense in football? Surely no one could be so foolish! 3 points, Jonny Boy. 3 points.

Actual photo of Jon’s D getting torched

Implications: This one actually doesn’t change much of anything. Chances are that both teams will end up in the winner’s bracket, and may even face each other. So hang onto those 3 points!


America’s Game of the Week: Hochuli’s Secret Squirrel

This game had the most riding on it going in. If Jack lost, he’d be likely irredeemably in the bottom of the charts. Had Will won, he’d be the current clear 4th man in. Instead, we end up with both having relatively equal opportunity to break into the top, maintain the middle, or plunge into the Toilet Bowl. I have to admit that I did not expect Frank Gore to continue to be relevant, much less a valuable member of a fantasy squad. Aside from Blair Walsh’s continued neglect at the hands of the Vikings, there didn’t seem to be a whole lot going on here in the way of individual performances that altered the game. Brady kicked ass for nothing, and the Eagles failing to slow down Dallas was equally impactful on the outcome. It is worth noting, though, that E. Sanders was the lowest scoring skill player for the Squirrels.

TFW literally any kick could lose you the game

Implications: Here is where this matchup actually mattered. Due to the outcome we got, your guess is as good as mine as to how the final rankings are going to shape up.


Alright, there you have it, the Week 8 Roundup. I’m going to attempt to have this out on Tuesday each week, with a sort of “theme round” on Saturdays, regarding the games of that Sunday.

We out.



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