Week 3: Blogcast

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Week 2: Team Names, Ranked.

1. Dirty Mike An The Boyz – We start at the top, because that’s how rankings lists should be. Cut to the chase, no bullshit. We’ve only done the Team Names Power Ranks once before, but I think we can agree this the five-time defending champ. Do Dirty Mike An The Wivez go for the six-peat next year? We shall see.

2. Fighting Frazers – After refusing to acknowledge Hinman Senior’s incredibly lackluster team names for the past two seasons, Frazer has finally climbed back up the ladder with the simple, yet elegant Fighting Frazers. Even more exciting than the team name, however, is when they surprise us one week this season by breaking out their 2011 Peyton Hillis and Two Shifty Niggas throwback unis. I know I speak for Travis and #BlackLivesMatter activists everywhere when I say I literally cannot wait for that.

3. Matty Ice and Easy – Matt’s team won’t be at the top of many Power Rankings lists this year, so we’ll let him have this one. He may not have Matt Ryan on his roster, but it’s still appropriate as Matt’s opponents will have a nIce and Easy time if his kicker continues to be his leading scorer. All kidding aside, by the time you read this, Matt will have already won Matt Jones off waivers with a $55 bid and be back on the right track. Oh wait, he already has Alf Morris. Yeah, he’s fucked.

4. Head Bustas – A classic by EB4D standards, but slides a spot this year mostly due to anatomical accuracy. Technically speaking, while Dez Bryant’s foot, Drew Brees’ rotator cuff, and Demarco Murray’s offensive line are all well and truly busted, no members of Nick’s roster have yet succumb to a concussion of any grade [looks nervously over at Travis Kelce].

5. Chuck’s Cannons – My team name is fine, but it wasn’t even my favorite team name that I came up with this season. That distinction goes to Carol’s Cocks. If the karma of sharing a mascot with the piss-poor Carolina Gamecocks wasn’t bad enough, the thought of a license plate reading “I suck… Carol’s Cocks” was too much. That said, is substituting that for Chuck’s Cannons that much better?

SIDE NOTE: Last week’s loss brings the News Team/Fortehands/Cannons all-time head-to-head record vs. the Boyz to 3-7. Versus the rest of you plebeians? 34-16. At this point, it’s becoming down right statutory.

6. Suck It, Trebek – A long step down from the Great Flaming Ginger Balls, in one humble commissioner’s opinion. That said, Haney’s SNL-inspired name gives us all an excuse to take an 8 minute break for this week’s halftime performance.

7. Secret Squirrels – For those of you who don’t get the reference, Jack’s team name is an homage to the ESPN Fantasy Focus podcast. I don’t mind pedaling the podcast to all of you, as Matthew Berry’s fantasy advice – much like this team name – is truly mediocre.

8. El Cunado – The first of our two Latin-infused team names, Joel’s team name – when punctuated properly – roughly translates to The Brother-in-Law. But because it’s not punctuated properly, and because I’m playing El Cuntado this week, and because this list is 100% arbitrary, I have decided that this team name is about as much fun as actual brothers who know you’re sleeping with their sister.

9. El turn down fo r Watto – While we didn’t do an official Team Names Power Ranks last year, I think we can all agree Thomas was not the winner. Determining whether he did better or worse this year is not so clear cut. What I can say definitely, however, is that I will not be doing the disservice to my spellcheck by writing out Thomas’ team name in full. And for that reason, they will be hereby referenced in the blog as Los Turndownadors.

10. Los Turndownadors – I didn’t say it was an improvement.

11. Nearly Any Other Combination of Nouns

12. Joint Practice Punchers – I can’t put my finger on it, but for some reason I have the overwhelming feeling that this team name, much like this blog post, kinda sucks. Crappy as it might be, however, the influential powers of the blog over the Hinmen is well documented. So with that in mind I ask you… which lasts longer? Will’s current team name or Will’s newly acquired starting QB, fresh out of the X-ray machine, now facing the #1 rated Denver defense in Week 3. I say they’re both toast by halftime, and you can put that on the board.

Week 1: Overreaction Theater

This week’s edition of the The EB4D was meant to be a first in league history – a live production drama reenacting the highs and lows of the opening week of the season. Unfortunately, your league dues went straight to my honeymoon fund, so hiring real talent was out of the question. That said, if you close your eyes while you read the script, you can practically hear the laugh track covering up the awkward silences.

Scene 1: The Opening Night Act

[It’s 9PM Central Time, Thursday, September 10th. Jack sits on the couch of his Kansas City apartment, alone and in his boxers. Any other Thursday night, he would have finished his History Channel documentary and gone to bed half an hour ago. But tonight, Brady has just found Gronk for his third touchdown of the game, and Jack is wide awake.]

Jack: Are you kidding me? How on Earth did these imbeciles let Tom Brady go for just $6 on the waiver wire? My intel analysis shows that he should have gone for at least $12 based on his socio-economic status alone!

[Texts Tuttle]

Jack: Holy shit dude. Can you believe the game Brady and Gronk are having?

Tuttle: I’m telling you man, it’s all about the elite tight ends. There’s no way that 11 other players at the position score 15 or more points this week – nearly all of which were still available even after I drafted my third one.

Jack: Factually correct statement, sir. Speaking of near impossibilities… I don’t think there’s any way Jon overcomes a 48 point deficit. Certainly not after I refused to trade him Jeremy Hill.

Tuttle: Ya, and he drafted his tight end in like the 8th round. Way too late for such a premium position.

Jack: Totally. Alright dude, I gotta go. The Koch Brothers are flying to a war-torn area in Tibet to oversee manufacturing of various paper products, so it’ll be a busy day tomorrow.

Tuttle: Iight mane, good luck with that. Oh and don’t forget to put your phone on silent. I swear to God if I get one more drunken Snapchat from Thomas at 2AM going on about how I can drink tequila out of his bare ass, I’m going to lose it.

[Lights fade]

[Behind the closed curtain, two short vibrations can be heard, followed quickly by the crunching sound of a phone being hurled against the wall.]

Scene 2: RedZone Matinee

[It’s 1PM Eastern Time, Sunday, September 12th. Frazer and Will returned home from church an ago, and have sat quietly on the sofa, hands folded in their laps, eagerly awaiting the NFL RedZone countdown clock to reach 0:00.]

Will (in a whispered voice): Frazer, we can take it off mute now! The games are starting!

Frazer (in an equally hushed tone): I know, I know. But don’t forget, Travis is studying in the other room, so we have to keep it down. Also, have you seen Haney’s lineup this week? The effort and preparation Haney put into the draft this season really looks to have paid off.

Will: Oh, for sure. You’re in for quite the shootout. I’d be shocked if Haney failed to break 90 points, especially considering he’s probably subbing in Danny Woodhead as we speak.

Frazer: Speaking of tough matchups, are you a little concerned about starting against the defending champs in Week 1? I mean, using Nick’s first round pick as your team’s logo can’t be good karma, right?

Will: Well to be fair, Dez is going to be a monster this year. If I go down against him, I certainly won’t be the last team that has to face him for the next 8 weeks.

Frazer (nodding head): Excellent point, brother.

[Meanwhile, Marcus Mariota has just hit Kendal Wright in stride for a 60-yard touchdown on his first career pass]

Frazer and Will in unison: (Ambiguous cheering)

Travis (from the other room): GODMOTHERFUCKINGDAMNIT FRAZER! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU TWO TO KEEP IT THE FUCK DOWN ONE MORE TIME, I’M GOING TO BREAK MY FOOT OFF IN BOTH YOUR ASSES! NOBODY GIVES A SHIT ABOUT YOUR SHITASS TITANS ANYWAY!

[Lights fade]

Scene 3: A Monday Night Debut

[It’s 9PM Pacific Time, Monday, November 13th. The 49ers are up 7-0 at half. Coach Tomsula is surely delivering one hell of a speech, but it’s falling on deaf ears as Nick has snuck to the back corner of the locker room to check his fantasy team.]

Nick: Finally, some peace and quiet. I swear being around these meatheads makes me dumber by the minute. I mean, Colin Kaepernick literally licked his own armpit just to see what it tasted like. Jesus Christ…

[Connects to stadium Wi-Fi, checks ESPN Fantasy App]

Nick: Nice! Eighteen points from Demarco Murray is exactly what I needed to beat Will. I was worried his workload last year was going to be too much, and he’d end up averaging like a single yard per carry this season. Looks like I’m in the clear there.

[Checks Twitter]

Nick: Oh look, a mention from a fan. Maybe I was on TV or something…

B66662EF-3ADF-4E91-921F-F23EC1EF74E0

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Close curtain]

Preseason Week 4: Draft Grades

WARNING: Before we dive into this week’s preseason finale, I feel compelled to first address a few things in the life of our league. If you would like to treat this as you would any Matthew Berry article and skip over all of the introduction bullshit, now would be the time to do so.

BEGIN NONSENSE

It should pretty evident that most weeks I struggle to cobble together enough material to make a coherent blog post. This past week, however, may very well have been the most eventful week in league history – even without a single controversial interpretation of league rules (that anyone’s noticed yet, at least).

As you may be aware, our league now spans three different time zones, which is sure to make the group chat and roster deadlines a total clusterfuck. In addition to Jack planting his roots in the dry-rub (barbecue) capital of the world, Nick followed the Caldwell County Pro Athlete mold by moving out to the Bay Area. In all sincerity, it’s awesome to see how the work ethic instilled in us by one Coach Poarch is taking us all so far. And if it just so happens that Jack and Nick now have less time for studying waiver claims, well I’m fine with that too.

And speaking of hard work, Frazer came one step closer to fulfilling the American dream of being a stay-at-home dad as Travis officially accepted a position at a prestigious Charlotte law firm following her graduation from UNC Law next year. Until such time, we will continue to rely on Haney’s pro-boner services as league General Counsel.

And last, but certainly not least, our league family grew this weekend as we officially welcomed Mrs. Maddie Turndownformabe, as well as the Future Mrs. Emily Antheboyz. With Thomas and Bryan having officially submitted their picks, I believe that puts Nick as next on the clock, as well as Joel who has to start planning how he’s going to handle the first-round, second-round bookend.

END NONSENSE

One quick caveat before we get to these draft grades: ESPN is basing picks based on the order I entered them into the system, which was alphabetically rather than by round. So just in case it wasn’t already assumed, these grades are hot, fermenting sewage. And if you’d rather not take my word for it, the fact that Joel and Haney received the only two A’s last year should really drive that sentiment home.

Secret Squirrels (A+)

Makes the Playoffs if: Tom Six-Dollar Brady makes sweet PPR love with Julian Edelman for 16 full weeks of the season. At some point I plan on doing a “money best spent, money worst spent” blog post, and already regret $6 Brady ending up in the first half of that column.

Plops into the Toilet Bowl if: Eli Manning turns back into a pumpkin, forcing OBJ to start looking for a new JOB.

El Cunado (A)

Makes the Playoffs if: two top-four RBs play like top-four RBs should.

Splashes into the Toilet Bowl if: Doug Martin ends the season as one of Joel’s top two RBs. Then again, Doug may be as close as Joel gets to a Martin this year. Because as the saying goes, better one in his hand, than two in her bush.

Dirty Mike An The Boyz (A-)

Makes the Playoffs if: Thomas enjoys a little too much fine Mexican tequila this week and takes the bait on a kitchen sink trade for Jason Witten.

Festers in the Toilet Bowl if: Peyton Manning croaks before Matt takes the bait on a kitchen sink trade. Seriously, is there anything Dirty Mike isn’t willing to swap?

Matty Ice and Easy (B)

Makes the Playoffs if: Andrew Luck blossoms into full-on Baby Peyton and starts throwing TDs to TY just for shits and giggles

Disappears into the Toilet Bowl if: having competent running backs is an important thing for a fantasy team to have. Seems overrated though, right Frazer?

Fighting Frazers (B)

Makes the Playoffs if: having three of the highest scoring receivers is an important thing for a fantasy team in a PPR league to have.

Clogs the Toilet Bowl if: Andre Ellington’s nimble, but frail little feet are actually depended upon to carry the load of an RB1. Luckily for Frazer, I can point him in the direction of a great therapist to overcome the depression and self-loathing that often befalls Ellington owners.

Turn down for Watt (C+)

Makes the Playoffs if: Antonio Bryant catches 100 passes in the four weeks Martavis Bryant is suspended, followed by Marty McBry himself catching 100 touchdowns in the twelve weeks after he returns.

Squeaks into the Toilet Bowl if: Todd Gurley shows the same inability to break through top-defensive units in the NFL as he did in college:

Head Bustas (C)

Makes the Playoffs if: he remembers to set his lineup in time for 1PM Eastern kickoffs. At first, I thought playing in the NFL might be a burden on Nick’s ability to play fantasy. But then I remember that for six days of the week he is literally being paid to watch game film. Also, I bet when he slides into Adam Schefter’s DMs, he actually stands a chance of getting a reply.

Overflows the Toilet Bowl if: a conditional 7th round pick turns out to be the best value received in a trade Nick was involved in this season.

Suck It, Trebek (C-)

Makes the Playoffs if: Haney somehow manages to keep his first-pick stink off of Aaron Rodgers. Side Note: I’d be remiss if I didn’t point out the overall quality Haney brought to table during this year’s draft. Wasn’t the last one there. Made his picks quickly and mostly during his own turn. Even made a couple jokes that got more than a Frazer Hinman Signature Courtesy Laugh. Bravo sir.

Skids into the Toilet Bowl if: history threepeats itself.

Joint Practice Punchers (D)

Makes the Playoffs if: Arian Foster’s groin muscle properly reattaches itself to the pelvic bone and chooses to stick around for the rest of the season.

Splatters all over the Toilet Bowl if: Will’s team turns out to be as good as his team name, which is not very good. More to come on this in a future Team Name Power Ranks blog, as soon as Thomas finishes browsing every Google result known to man.

Chuck’s Cannons (F)

Makes the Playoffs if: Knile Davis’ most significant contribution to the Chiefs this season comes in the form of finding an extra-length strap capable of securing a fanny pack filled with beef ribs around Andy Reid’s waist.

Requires an over-the-counter laxative to coax into the Toilet Bowl if: setting up a draft boards turns out NOT to be my greatest display of incompetence on draft night.

 

Preseason Week 2: eb4dMD

Thank you for visiting eb4dMD.com. While we strive to bring you the all the resources necessary to live a healthier and happier fantasy life, we DO NOT advocate any attempt at self-medication. If you are visiting our site, your poor sense of judgment has likely already caused you enough harm.

Atrociously Crippled Lineup (ACL) Surgery

What is it?

Surgery for an Atrociously Crippled Lineup (ACL) involves a complete overhaul of one’s strategy following an untimely injury of the solitary decent player on his/her roster.

History of the Procedure

The first documented case of an Atrociously Crippled Lineup can be traced back to 2011. With the second overall pick in the inaugural EB4D draft, Joel and his Eskimo Brothers placed their season’s hope on the frail and learning-disabled knees of Chiefs runningback Jamaal Charles. Just five quarters into the season, the Eskimo Brother abruptly found themselves on the operating table [see medical chart below for details].

While the Eskimo Brothers managed recover and finish the season in 4th (in the pre-expansion era, mind you), not all cases have gone quite so well. In 2013, Dirty Mike and the Boyz built their title defense around 4th overall pick Arian Foster. One bulging disk and a strained calf later, the Boyz found themselves in the same place as my piss in the morning: right on the edge of the Toilet Bowl.

Diagnosis

Determining if you have suffered an Atrociously Crippled Lineup is actually quite routine, and can be conducted at home by following these simple steps:

  1. Log onto ESPN, and pull up your team roster
  2. Check each of your keeper eligible players, using a gentle massaging motion with your thumb and index fingers
  3. If you discover a Kelvin Benjamin or Jordy Nelson on your roster, you are likely fucked good and proper
  4. If you discover your keeper has suffered a concussion in each of his two years in the NFL, consult your doctor immediately [Exhibit A attached]

lacy

Rehabilitation and Alternative Remedies

To date, there is no definitive timetable for recovery from an Atrociously Crippled Lineup. In one documented case of chronic ACL, [patient name redacted] attempted a radical treatment in which he elected to autodraft rather than select his own players. Results from this test remain inconclusive as the patient nullified potential benefits by attempting to make his own waiver claims and trades.

Prevention

The following players have been linked to Atrociously Crippled Lineups. Actively choosing any of these players significantly increases your likelihood of succumbing to this affliction.  Independent medical examiners have recommended avoiding these players at all costs:

QB – Aaron Rogers: Genetically inferior collarbones; spent excessive time during the off-season with below-averagely attractive girlfriend

RB – Demarco Murray: No clearer sign that someone is being put out to pasture than willingly replacing them with ACL-stalwart Darren McFadden

WR – Julio Jones: Pins in surgically repaired foot liable to spontaneously combust

TE – Tyler Eifert: Because the arm pictured below is his right, not his left

tyler-eifert-nfl-cincinnati-bengals-baltimore-ravens-850x560

Hope you enjoyed your breakfast.

Preseason Week 1: Restoring Order

Greetings EB4Dbags and welcome to the 2015 draft order grand reveal. As you all willfully consented, this year’s order was determined by the PGA Championship Pick 3 Challenge. Did I strategically choose not to update the standings after each round to build the suspense for this post, or was I simply too lazy to be bothered this weekend? Actually, enough with irrelevant questions, we’ve got picks to reveal!

10. Tuttle – We start things off not at the beginning, but rather the end of the first round. But when you stumble into Le’Veon Bell as your keeper, do you even really need a first rounder? The only thing chewing up more yards than Dirty Mike’s soon-to-be stable of backs are a bunch of drunks with a homemade slip-n-slide.

9. Quill – The last time Quill pulled a Lingmerth out of his ass, he ended up with pink eye for a week. This time, while the pick was actually something to be proud of, the outcome wasn’t much more desirable thanks to a Zach Johnson boner on 18, causing him to miss the cut by a stroke. Fortunately, getting stuck with the 9th pick doesn’t usually require medication.

8. Jack – At long last, Jack’s Day finally came! And the only thing more predictable than the smooth-swinging Aussie finally breaking through in a major was someone using that pun immediately afterward. The grand prize for Jack’s steadfast faithfulness? The (chosen) ability to pick… eighth.

7. Matt – If I were Matt, I’d be pretty upset about getting stuck with this pick. I mean, the chances of the most prolific fantasy player of our generation making all the way to pick number 7 has got to be pretty slim. Now if only Matt were able to find a willing trade partner to move up in the first round…

6. Nick – Nick didn’t just finish in last in the PGA picks, he finished in dead fucking last. Of the five players picked in the pool to miss the cut, Nick picked three of them. But uncharacteristic of Baltimore Ravens making poor decisions, Nick got off easy, and will be picking sixth overall.

5. Frazer – Picking in the middle of each round ensures Frazer won’t be forced to reach for anyone. A year after being burned by taking Montee Ball and Doug Martin with back-to-back, Frazer is primed for employ his Play It Safe strategy. Don’t count on him to take Bishop Sankey until AT LEAST the 3rd round.

4. Thomas – Checking in at #4 is Thomas who showed well in the PGA picks to the tune of a third-place finish. Call me crazy, but I’m guessing this is a sign of things to come. The way I see it, either Thomas spends the travel time en route to honeymoon crafting his draft strategy or Maddie takes over his team by Week 4. Either way, the Turndownforwatts are on the up and up this year.

3. Haney – By virtue of weaseling his way to the top of the NCAA Bracket pool, Haney had already locked up pick number three before this weekend’s tournament. Imagine that. Haney electing not to participate in a league event based on the ability to pick successful athletes. Weird.

2. Jon – The year of the Also-Ran continues. Second in the league, second to be married this year, second in the PGA pool, and now second in this draft. If there is any solace in all of this running-up, it’s that the only pick later in the 4th round than the one Joel acquired in exchange for Jimmy Graham is, well, Joel’s.

1. Joel – Speaking of the devil! One might assume the privilege of the 1st overall pick was highly sought after, but in fact, it wasn’t until the seventh person down the line did somebody claim the spot. Maybe we all steered clear due to the fact that the last two #1 picks have failed to finish inside the top 10 at their position. Or maybe we just need someone more competent picking number one. Sadly, I’m not sure if this is the year we find out.

And now without further ado, I hereby declare mock drafting season open as Los Cunados are officially on the clock!

Proposed Rule Changes

Scoring: Decimal Yardage Scoring

How It Works: One-tenth (.1) of a point is earned for each rushing/receiving yard and four-hundredths (0.04) of a point for each yard passing. For example, 97 yards rushing equals 9.7 points, and 288 yards passing equals 11.5 points. 

Current Rule: One (1) point earned for each 10 yard increment for rushing/receiving and each 25 yard increment for passing

Rationale for Change: Decimal scoring creates more accuracy for a player’s yardage. More importantly, this makes the chance of a tie much less likely. 

Scoring: Half-Point PPR

How It Works: One-half (.5) point per reception

Current Rule: One (1) point per reception

Rationale for Change: Half-point PPR creates slightly more balance between running backs and receivers, but not to the extent where player rankings would change much, if any. This type of scoring format is used by the major DFS sites (FanDuel and Draft Kings). 

Waivers: Free Agent Acquisition Budget (FAAB)

How It Works: Each team starts the season with a bank (say $100). When claiming players off of waivers, owners have the option to set a bid amount. When waivers process on Wednesday AM, the owner who placed the highest bid will be awarded the player, and the amount they bid will be deducted from their bank. Bids are not required to claim players off waivers, but will only be awarded if no other team places a bid. Once players clear waivers, they can be added on a first come, first serve basis as usual. 

Current Rule: Players on waivers are claimed based on team priority. Team’s cycle to the back of the priority list each time they claim a player off of waivers. Players can be added as free agents once they clear waivers, with no impact to the priority list. 

Rationale for Change: Gives owners more control over who they’re able to add off waivers. If a replacement is needed for an injury or bye week, the owner who has wisely used their budget will have a better chance of getting their choice, rather than being at the mercy of the priority order. 

Keepers: Draft Pick Designation

How It Works: Any player is eligible to be kept, but will be drafted in the round they were selected in the previous season. For example, Will could keep Andrew Luck, but he would use his second round pick to do so. Similarly, Jack could keep Odell Beckham – who went undrafted – in place of his last pick. The two year keeper max would remain, however, players kept for a second season would cost at least a 4th round pick, if they weren’t already higher. 

NOTE: This change would not take effect until next season. Current keeper rules still apply to this year’s draft. 

Current Rule: Each team keeps one player, provided they were drafted in the 5th round or later in the previous season. 

Rationale for Change: Removes limitations on who can be kept, but forces owners to put a value on who they choose to keep.