Let’s start off by recognizing that two teams scored over 180 points two weeks ago. Hands Off My Pocket Dogs put up a combined 367.2 points. While impressive in itself, that number is greatly overshadowed by the real news. With a score of 185.8, a team owned and operated by Yours Truly (Editor’s Note: That’s Alex Haney, for reference) took the crown for the highest score over the League’s nearly six year existence. Joel, I didn’t spend the time to figure out where your score ranks. “Under mine” is the only rank I’m certain of. That reminds me, we really should have a documented League Record Book. I’m sure I’ll be bored and drunk enough on a Saturday to do that. Or maybe Sunday when I’m not watching any of these games. Or just a random Tuesday. Welcome to grad-life, Jon; as if the Clemson fallout wasn’t enough to drive you to drink to oblivion.
Alright, enough gloating about the single most magnificent team output in league history, which is really quite incredible. On to the Week 10 recap.
My team was brought back to Earth (sort of) by facing literally the only team to score more points this week. Thanks, Jack. OBJ did his best to reach the 60 points needed all on his own, but was let down by Tyler Eiffert (a surprise), and Jeremy Hill (not so much). I am accepting trade offers for RBs. Anyone need a certain Bears TE?
Joel has made a habit of being just inches short. So has Matt, technically, but that’s neither here nor there at the moment.
Last week, Joel put up what would have been an absurdly high score, but ended up being only absurdly disappointing, as far as wins go. This week, he put together one of the finer stats I’ve ever had the luxury of being told about, because I’d definitely have missed it. Through two matchups against The Boyz, The Dogs have lost by a combined 0.8 points. Holy shit. HuffPo gave Trump better odds at the Presidency than that score line had of happening. To make things even better, both games were lost by 0.4 points. So, the Curse of King Tut’s Tomb is real. Tut’s team is dead, but doing a great job still killing others.
Man, the Guns are just not good. Removing the outlier of DMT, Will’s two highest scorers were his defense and his kicker, respectively. On the bright side, Will finally managed to figure out the importance of a kicker. However, making them one of your top three scorers is not typically a solid strategy. Bold, but not solid (Throwback!). I can’t help but think that Will knew he wouldn’t be putting forth any effort at all this year, and picked the league punishment with all the creativity of a blind bureaucrat. Keep up the good work. As an aside, DMT, beyond being a phenom ball snatcher, is a chemical released by a person during the process of dying. C’mon, Will, do the right thing: release DMT.
Speaking of Matt coming up short, he didn’t.
Even a respectable score of 122 was not enough for The Frazers to fight their way into a second win. Something about those Hinmans, this go-round. I guess what they say about twins is true, that they act similarly. Frazer went from mediocre to worst, and Will went from top to mediocre. Really incredible stuff. Why anyone would play a defense that’s up against the Steelers is beyond me, but hey, what do I know? As though having a paltry team wasn’t bad enough, Alshon Jeffery was suspended for 4 games due to failing a PED test. Typically when someone does PEDs, they do well and make the suspension arguably worth it. In this case, the PEDs in question were apparently Flinstone vitamins.
There are really few things I enjoy more than seeing a Communist regime falter. Really just makes my whole day. In the spirit of true equality, The Uns are now sharing numbers perfectly between the Wins and Losses columns. Turn down for what, indeed. Actually, Jon’s score would be pretty good if this weren’t a PPR league. Nothing really stands out on this one, if I’m being honest, making it more difficult than I’d like it to be to drag the Uns through the mud. Incidentally a staple of the North Korean diet. Antonio Antonio’d, Gurley continued to disappoint, and the Bengals backfield basically stayed there.
Two weeks, ladies and gents. Two weeks. Those of us certain of where we’ll end up have the benefit of being able to start planning for the playoffs, top or bottom. You guys in the middle, not so fortunate. Play the odds, and try not to get stinky.
One more thing:
If the top score in league history had a face, it’d be this. 
Suck it, bitches.
Eastbound & 4th Down 