Hello and welcome back for Season 5 of the Eastbound & 4th Down Fantasy Football League! Hard to believe that in the year that we started this league, real life professional football people thought Jack Locker and Christian Ponder were worthy of first round picks, Fast & Furious was only on its fifth iteration, and we were all broke-ass college kids. Okay, so not everything has changed, but what I’m trying to say is congratulations for sticking together as a league for more years than Chris Perry stuck out being a high school student.
Before we dive into the meat and potatoes of this year’s draft piece, please allow me to quickly step up on my soapbox and grind an axe with my beloved Entertainment and Sports Programming Network. Every year from mid-January to now early May, we are subjected to endless hours of Jon Gruden’s own Neverland Ranch, 38 Mel McShay Jr. mock drafts, and hot, steamy garbage rumbling, bumbling, and stumbling its way out of Chris Berman’s mouth. Never once in that timespan do we ever look back to see if these talking heads actually know what they’re talking about. Despite the fact that Harvard nerds called their bullshit way back in 2012, ESPN still refuses to acknowledge that in any given year, these two jabronies might go and do something like declare that “Matt Barkley will be the #1 overall pick in the draft.” Yes, the same Matt Barkley who just got bumped down the depth chart by the Apostle Timothy of House Tebow.
With all that in mind, and knowing that never in my days as commissioner have I been referred to as a hypocrite or a liar, let us quickly revisit some of last year’s bold mock draft proclamations:
Sammy Watkins ends up being the best wide receiver on the Lions
Because the Bills sold their soul to acquire the rights to the most talented receiver since Randy “Crump” Moss, we’ll never know if this prediction would have come true. That said, I think all of us but Frazer can agree that this was essentially a foretelling that Golden Tate would outscore Calvin Johnson in fantasy points in 2014.
Nick’s Bustas take Minnesota Vikings RB Adrian Peterson
There’s nothing particularly right about this prediction, but I would simply like to point out that Nick and AP now share the common bond of having told the Minnesota coaching staff to eat a bag of dicks this offseason!
“After bringing all sorts of bad mojo last season, Haney dares not take Adrian Peterson number one overall. Then again, his team will be on autodraft in all likelihood, so this mock draft has already gone to shit.”
I AM NOSTRADAMUS.
So now that my credibility in this mock drafting arena has been clearly established, here for you are three more hot takes that I will either rub in your face or conveniently ignore this time next season.
John Manziel will be a better fantasy QB than Marcus Marioto in 2015
I thought about adding Jameis Winston to this proclamation, but even a dweeb like Mike Glennon found a way to be serviceable throwing to the likes of Mike Evans and Vincent Jackson. I was also going to declare the Manziel would be less of a dickhead than Winston in 2015, but that’s hardly a bold statement at all. The only thing to be wary about with this prediction is that ESPN is now reporting Mr. Football has moved out of downtown Cleveland and into a golf community. This doesn’t bode well for his future as I’m sure the night life scene at a suburban country club is more appealing than that of downtown Cleveland.
Odell Beckham Jr. is NOT a top 10 wide receiver in 2015
First and foremost, Eli Manning is prominently involved with the success of OBJ, which is never something you want to rely on. Secondly, sophomore slumps are very much a thing. Cody Poarch’s ankle sliding into home against [insert CVAC JV opponent here] is clear evidence of that.
[Editor’s Note: The EB4D blog staff would never employ a reverse reverse-jinx tactic in order to try to outmaneuver Jack and the Plunderers.]
Haney will NOT finish in last for a third consecutive season
Please do not interpret this hottest of takes as a prediction that Haney finally attends the draft, tactfully navigates the waiver wire, and challenges for the title. I simply mean that there is more than enough ineptitude in our league to dethrone Haney from his perch upon the Toilet Bowl. But as I mentioned in the opening some 750 words ago, some things just never change.